Emperor Palpatine Tells Vader He Doesn’t Want Any Shithole Planets Joining The Empire

CORUSCANT, INNER CORE — Sources close to the High Galactic Emperor Sheev Palpatine are reporting at the time of publication that he has directed his right-hand, Lord Darth Vader, to not allow any “shithole planets” into the Empire.

“I have foreseen that a great many shithole planets will be trying to join the Empire. Planets with nothing but dead broke, tiny little murder bears and the such,” Palpatine reportedly told the Dark Lord of the Sith, “This cannot be allowed. You must go to each of these shithole planets and wipe them out, all of them.”

What Emperor Palpatine may have been referring to is a special military project that has been the subject of rampant rumors and speculation since the outset of the Clone Wars. Sources within the Imperial Senate, which Palpatine has been publicly mocking and deriding of late, say that the Emperor has been using Empire resources to design and build a massive space station, as large as a small moon. That battle station reportedly uses a new, mysterious technology that some of Palpatine’s critics say is powered by the “Dark side of a mystical energy field that binds the galaxy together.”

The space station reportedly has capabilities to destroy an entire planet. The Emperor flatly denies this allegation, and said so in an interview this morning from his throne room in his palace on the galaxy’s capital of Coruscant.

“That is simply preposterous,” Palpatine told reporters this morning. “That’s just fake news, I don’t have any plans to destroy whole planets! Who told you this, that cuck Organa from Alderaan?”

Palpatine insists that he is only exercising “judicious and prudent caution” in not allowing poor planets and their alien inhabitants into the Empire.

“To the untrained eye, it might look like I’m being xenophobic and classist, but that is just not true at all,” Palpatine said. “How much a drain on our resources will all these greeners and slime pod creatures be? These are things an Emperor must take into consideration.”

Darth Vader will be in charge of hunting down and deporting any aliens that enter the Empire illegally, but Palpatine said he also has additional plans to keep unwanted life forms out.

“We’ll build a bigly wall around the Outer Rim,” Palpatine said, “and we’ll get Tatooine and Jakku to pay for it! This is all just about our new motto — Empire First. If you don’t like it, you can hyperspace the fuck out!”

The Rebel Alliance could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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