HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — This morning, social media is abuzz with celebrities and real life, boring people alike with discussion of last night’s Emmy broadcast. The show was hosted by comedian Stephen Colbert and as would be expected, some of the show’s writers, performers, presenters, and winners took shots at President Donald Trump. Mr. Trump has been unabashed in his criticism and insulting of people in Tinseltown, and the Emmys were a chance for Hollywood to bite back.
One bit that may not have been as well received as the producers might have hoped was former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s cameo. During one of the show’s segments, Mr. Colbert began discussing president Trump, and as The Washington Post reports this morning, that’s when Spicer came out. The reaction was mixed in the room, and has been largely negative online.
COLBERT: What really matters to Donald Trump is ratings. You’ve got to have the big numbers. And I certainly hope we achieve that tonight. Unfortunately, at this point, we have no way of knowing how big our audience is. I mean, is there anyone who could say how big the audience is. Sean, do you know?
(Spicer glides out with a podium, Melissa McCarthy-style.)
SPICER: This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period — both in person and around the world.
COLBERT: Wow. That really soothes my fragile ego. I could understand why you’d want one of these guys around. Melissa McCarthy, everybody, give it up! (source)
During a conference call today, the award show’s producers explained why Spicer made his appearance — he was the only one available for it.
“Look, we scoured the entire city for another literal sack of lying shit,” Mick Jorgenson, Assistant Line Producer for last night’s show told reporters, “but we couldn’t find a single, solitary one that wasn’t already booked. We even tried fashioning our own out of garbage bags and a metric tonne of feces, but we couldn’t get the bag to tell lies, and attaching a speaker to just spew Breitbart headlines didn’t seem authentic enough.”
Initially, the idea was not to give Spicer a chance to normalize himself and seek tacit forgiveness from society at large for the times he outright lied to the American people, but rather to have a literal sack, full of feces, to come out on the mobile podium. The podium gag was a throwback to the highly popular “Saturday Night Live” sketches from last year in which actress Melissa McCarthy played Spicer to critical and audience raves. McCarthy was attending the event, but unavailable for rehearsals for the bit, so it was decided that the sack of shit would get the call.
“But when we couldn’t find any literal sacks of lying shit that had a spot free in their schedules,” Jorgenson explained, “we had to go with the original. Trust me, none of us were happy about it.”
Jorgenson says that he himself was “shocked and surprised” that his team couldn’t find someone else besides Spicer to play the part.
“This is Hollywood,” Jorgenson said, “and you can’t throw a rock without hitting some smarmy, lying asshole telling a fresh faced 19 year old girl he’s going to make her a star. But all those lying sacks of shit were busy last night and/or in the audience.”
Mr. Jorgenson said that the show’s producers were very leery about giving Spicer even the few moments of the spotlight he got.
“Let’s face it, this would be a good way for Sean to look like less of a monster who worked for a monster,” Jorgenson said, “and we didn’t want to be the ones to rehab his reputation for him. But then again, we thought of another reason to have Sean do it — pandering to the 30% of the country that actually likes him. And if you know Hollywood, you know that we pander almost as well as politicians do.”
The allure of ratings was enough to get Spicer the gig.
“Sure, we could have done any number of things at that moment instead of putting Spicer in a position of revelry and respect,” Jorgenson said, “but ratings are almost, if not definitely, better than principles and standards and ethics. You understand, of course.”
Spicer could not be reached for comment, as we were unable to find the bush he has been hiding behind since leaving the White House last month.