Election Watch: KY GOP ‘Totes Cool’ With Rand Paul Embarrassing Himself in 2016

GRIFFIN’S GORGE, KY — The Republican Party establishment in the State of Kentucky has given Senator Rand Paul — who represents the Fried Chicken State — an early, 2016-related gift. Over the weekend, officials in the state approved Paul’s proposal for a presidential caucus that would allow the Senator to skirt his state’s law prohibiting a candidate from being a candidate on two ballots for nationally-held offices. Kentucky’s Secretary of State and failed 2014 mid-term Democratic candidate Alison Grimes has stated on a few occasions that she would enforce Kentucky’s law to the letter, and has already expressed skepticism over the plan Republicans her state have proposed.

Speaking in front of the local Republican National Committee office in Griffin’s Gorge, KY, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told reporters that party officials in Kentucky are “quite excited” at the prospect of a Rand Paul 2016 candidacy for both the Senate and the White House because according to Thompaulsen, “it’s not like he’s got a chance in Hell of winning the nomination anyway.” Rep. Thompaulsen said that his party is “totes cool with Randy embarrassing himself with a presidential run.”

But why are Republican officials in the state so sure that the measures they are bending over backwards to put in place for Senator Paul will wind up being fruitless our reporter asked Thompaulsen. “Well, for starters he’d have to fire all the white supremacists he brought on board for his primary run. Secondly, he’d have to stop stealing and plagiarizing his speeches. That kind of stuff is what our base eats up like candy, but apparently average Americans are all like, ‘Dude, stop being a douche,’ when they see him doing these things,” Thompaulsen told our reporter.

But why are they pursuing those efforts if they believe they’ll be fruitless? “Are you kidding me,” Thompaulsen asked, “have you seen us the last few years? We’re an embarrassment nationally and locally. We’ve passed more laws restricting a woman’s access to own vagina than we have that give women or minorities a ladder to pull themselves up to the next rung with. We’ve fake repealed Obamacare so many times I can’t comprehend, and I am contractually obligated by the RNC to mention Benghazi at least three times in every interview I do.”

We asked Thompaulsen if his party believes they can be a viable, national force in politics if they keep making decisions that only make themselves look like callous, cold, calculating politicians instead of at least putting a veneer of civic duty over everything. “The donations come in regardless of what shit-show clown car of a candidate pool we trot out every year. No matter how aggressive, mean and downright nasty our rhetoric gets against women, minorities, immigrants and members of the LGBT community, our donations keep going up.

Why on God’s Green Earth would we stop doing what we’re doing? Of course we’re going to show the country a cavalcade of half-baked morons posing as serious candidates. Sure, Randy’s got no shot because the national establishment hates him and moderates and liberals hate him because of what comes out of his mouth most of the time. But again, the donations keep coming.”

So that means that as long as Republican donors keep writing the party checks, they’ll ignore common sense and modernity in who they choose to back for the highest office in the land? “Benghazi, first of all,” said Thompaulsen. “Secondly, yes. Exactly. 100%. Why do you think we’re fucking with voting laws every change we get? Why do you think we’re trying to tweak Electoral College vote disbursement? We know we’re not a serious party nationally anymore, so we need to rig the whole damn thing. Until then, let the circus continue!”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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