The Time Someone Bought an Election With Bottles of Water

One of the more controversial aspects of the sweeping voting restrictions implemented by Georgia Republicans last week was the outlaw of giving food or drink to people waiting in line to vote. The entire law is one of the most publicized attempts by the GOP to reverse the major losses they felt in the 2020 election cycle, losing the White House and control of the Senate.

“We could have taken the losses as a sign that things are changing and we need to update our arguments, if not our belief strictures,” State Rep. Tom Thomapaulsen (R) told Fox News this weekend, “but why do that when we can just make it illegal to vote if we don’t like you? Seems like a lot quicker route to what we want to accomplish, if you ask me.”

RELATED: Kemp Signs Georgia Law Establishing ‘Separate, But Unequal Democracy’

As much criticism as Georgia Republicans have taken for their seemingly-Draconian effort to criminalize giving water to people, history shows that they may have a reason to be worried.

“Everyone of course remembers that in 1932, FDR defeated incumbent President Herbert Hoover,” Professor Carol Carolsby, professor of history at Northern South Idaho University explained to us via Skype, “but what they may not remember is a little-known tidbit of historical trivia — Roosevelt bought the election using bottled water.”

Carolsby said that evidence exists that FDR was “going to lose bigly” in his campaign against Hoover, and that right up until Election Day it looked like the results would be a landslide victory for the Republican incumbent. However, that’s when the Roosevelt campaign came up with a new strategy — hand out bottles of water to people waiting to vote.

“This was, of course, quite a stroke of genius,” Carolsby said. “Because everyone knows nothing influences your vote like being handed a bottle of water. Of course, it was also smart because bottled water wasn’t invented yet, and we’re still not sure how FDR’s people got the bottled water into everyone’s hands, but we have not ruled out time travel as a possibility.”

Thompaulsen told Fox News that after consulting with other historians like Carolsby, the GOP will also start pushing to make time travel illegal “just in case.”

“The bottom line here is a very simple one. We need to everything we can to ensure that our voters never catch onto a simple fact — we are less popular, have less popular ideas, and rely on tricking them into blaming their problems on everyone but the people actually causing them,” Thompaulsen said. “Part of that effort is making it so that enough people who would vote down their ideas just, well, can’t vote. It’s that simple. Ain’t freedom awesome?!”

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

MORE: Democrat Joe Manchin Opposes Democrat Agenda


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This