Election 2016: Huckabee –10 Commandments in Classrooms Will Prevent Bullying and Cure AIDS

GAS PATCH, ARKANSAS — Former Arkansas Governor and Fox News channel host Mike Huckabee is toying with the idea of running for president, which is why he left Fox News a couple of months ago, and it’s also why he has started taking his socially conservative message to the streets. At a recent luncheon hosted by the People for The Union of Church and State, Huckabee expanded on a recent theme of his — that school prayer is a vital and necessary component of children’s lives, and that when allowed, can stop any manner of terribleness befalling students.

It was at televangelist Morris Cerullo’s yearly convention for evangelical Christian conservatives that Huckabee told the assembled crowd, “Because we were bringing Bibles to school people weren’t bringing guns to school,” implying that kids weren’t getting shot in school because there was a heavier presence of God in their lives at the time. Huckabee claimed in the same speech that when Americans”reject the Bible as the objective word of truth” we lose our “landmark,” which Huckabee meant as a sort of moral compass, and without that moral compass, children are far more likely to be murdered by mentally unstable people taking advantage of the ubiquity of guns in America.

Though many rejected this assertion as the blathering of a modern-day theocrat, the former Arkansas Governor appears ready to double-down on the “God fixes all” mantra, as evidence by his speech at the luncheon held by the PFTUCS.  “You know,” the bass playing pastor intoned, “a lot of people gave me guff for saying that speaking to someone you cannot see, touch or hear alone would save kids from being shot to death. They said, ‘Mike, how can you not address guns and mental health issues?’ And you know, I always challenge them to find me one passage in the Bible — God’s history textbook — about a school shooting. They get pretty quiet then. In fact, most of them just walk away and never speak to me again after I ask them that.”

“The Bible is God’s word and can magically fix any number of problems we face,” continued Huckabee. “Kids aren’t shot in schools because guns are so easily acquired by the mentally unstable in this country, it’s because those kids aren’t hearing about God and Jesus and the Ark and Moses and the virgin birth enough, clearly.” Then Huckabee expanded his theory, “I firmly believe that if we just let every school put a copy of the Ten Commandments in every school room, there would be no bullying. None. Because as soon as someone reads them, they follow them, that’s why ever since Moses brought them down from the mountain top, there’s never been a single murder and no one has ever messed around on their wife or with someone else’s wife.”

Huckabee wasn’t finished assigning mystical powers to the Ten Commandments either. “In fact, not only could the presence of the Ten Commandments keep kids from beating up other kids, it can stop AIDS, flat-out.” He also said, “and if we can just get liberals to let us take evolution out of our classrooms and replace it with mandatory Bible study, we can probably cure world hunger and poverty. Because as we all know, Jesus himself said, “Why give a few more cents on every dollar of your paycheck to the poor and sick when you can ramrod my teachings down their throats?”


James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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