“Why I Should Be Elected President in 2016” by Scott Walker

The Political Garbage Chute has been asking the front runners and other potential candidates for the 2016 presidential election to fill out a very simple essay form we sent them. The theme was “Why I Should Be Elected President in 2016,” and we asked each candidate to write as much, or as little, as they needed to in order to make the best arguments they could in favor of them becoming the most powerful man or woman in the free world.

First we brought you Jeb Bush’s essay, and now we’re pleased to present the essay sent to us by Team Scott  Walker 2016, below.

Why I Should Be Elected President in 2016
by Scott Walker

I’m a man who clearly needs no introduction, so we’ll just skip over all that stuff where I tell you my name, where I’m from, and what I do. I mean, c’mon America, it’s me. If ever there was someone who was a household name, it’s me. If ever there was someone who embodies what you, the American people, want in your president, it’s me…or at least that’s what my benevolent  campaign donors and policy dictators Chuck and Davey Koch think.

And as a Republican, I have sworn an oath to defer to billionaires on all things.

Many of you know I have pretty much single-handedly made Wisconsin the best state in the union while ironically gutting the very notion of unions of course. I mean, if you ignore the fact that my policies haven’t actually helped push my state out of the bottom or middle of the mid-western states in terms of jobs growth and in fact that as of just December of last year we were still lagging behind other states in the region, you can’t deny my policies have been an overwhelming success. Just imagine what I could have done with the economy if I had been allowed to drug test welfare recipients like I wanted to! We all know how successful those programs have been in stopping the waste of welfare funds on drug abusers, right?

But as much as I’ve proven my prowess in keeping my state mired in middling economic growth, I think it’s time I flexed my muscle as a foreign policy wonk. That’s why I kicked so much ass on ABC with Martha Raddatz recently. In case you missed my stellar performance that morning, let me recap:

Anywhere and everywhere.

No, there’s nothing more to my foreign policy than that. Anywhere and everywhere. As in, we will fight terrorism and, as I put it that day to Martha, “radical Islam” anywhere and everywhere. Because you know, the past few decades of this country invading and bombing and invading and bombing and invading and bombing have produced such great results, and most especially you can see the fruits of wars of choice in the totally stable and non-dependent countries of Iraq and Afghanistan.

I’m not going to tell you something stupid that’ll make the liberal media pounce on me like essentially saying I could see a foreign country from my backyard. But you know, as governor I get security briefs from time to time about stuff that could happen near my state, and I’ve read most if not all of them, so you really don’t need much more proof of my national security genius than that. Plus, I can almost totally see Canada from my backyard, so that pretty much makes me a foreign diplomat right away.

Some of you might be worried that entrusting your country’s future to a guy who seems completely bereft of any ideas that haven’t been spoon-fed to him by the conservative elite think-tanks would be questionable. You might think that a man who has had ongoing legal troubles and has fought consistently with a wide swath of his constituents would make a bad choice to lead a nation that isn’t just made up of conservatives, but has literally millions and millions of liberals in it as well. But if you think either of things, trust me, you’re wrong. Dead wrong.

I’m great. Don’t believe me? Just ask me.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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