EL PASO, TEXAS — President Donald Trump issued an executive order from his Oval Office chair late this afternoon, directing federal resources be dedicated to purchasing several thousand food times from Taco Bell. The food will then be sent to the migrant families currently being held underneath a bridge in El Paso, Texas.
In a tweet sent yesterday, it was reported that hundreds of families of migrants seeking asylum in the United States are being penned up underneath a bridge in El Paso. The pictures come as a stark reminder that Congress and the president have not come to terms they both can agree with on funding for a wall on the southern border. Throughout the 2016 campaign, Trump promised Mexico would pay for the wall, and the Mexican government has insisted the entire time that they will not.
Customs and Border Patrol, according to reports in Splinter News, are defending the use of the bridge and tent underneath it, saying it is only used to transition detainees into more traditional facilities. However, CBP says that there are simply just too many migrants for the facilities currently in use, and so the overflow has to be processed in the parking lot.
“As illegal aliens arrive at the processing facility, they are placed at the ‘tent’ to await their turn to be processed. This tent serves only as a transitional shelter and is not a temporary housing facility. It was established within the last month,” the spokesperson continued. (Splinter News)
— Nick Miroff (@NickMiroff) March 27, 2019
Trump said that initially he considered feeding the migrant families McDonald’s like he did for the Clemson Tigers college football team. He was convinced
“I told Mick and Sarah that they better help me give those Mexicanny people the full Clemson Treatment,” the president said, beaming with pride. “Everyone remembers that tremendous, bigly buffet don’t they?”
Mr. Trump, citing the migrant families in the parking lot as proof of the ongoing state of national emergency he declared last month, told reporters he “completely synthesizes” with the migrants and that’s why he wants to make sure they eat “the food of their people.”
“I’m told that these particular Mexican-ish people like things like tacos and stuff, and there’s nothing more Mexican in America than Taco Bell,” Trump said. “I do wish they’d try a hamberder or two, but I totally respect their right to eat what makes them feel the most at home. That’s why I’m always eating Ivanka…”
Trump trailed off for a few, long, excruciating moments before finishing his sentence.
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
“…’s pie every chance I get. Yup, I just love eating Ivanka’s pie,” Trump said, winking and slapping Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders on her right shoulder. “Right? Sarah? WINK-FUCKING-WINK?!”
Huckabee nodded quietly and winked back. Trump farted and blamed it on Sanders before continuing.
“As the undeniable God Emperor President King, I feel it’s important to demonstrate great magma-ty and compulsion,” Trump said. “A lot of people don’t realize how compulsionate I am. I’m the most compulsive, really. I see things I just feel a lot of compulsion, what can I say?”
No one had the heart to correct Trump’s malapropism.
“So that’s it, right there,” Trump said, signing the order. “Now go get those people the Taco Bell we know they came to America for!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.