My Kids and I Are Breathing Toxic Soup and It’s Your Fault. But Thanks for the Branded Water?

The following was sent to our editorial board from Clark Sparkler, a lifelong resident of East Palestine, Ohio. Mr. Sparkler reports that he was in attendance yesterday when former, twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump held a campaign rally in his town and gave away his own Trump-branded bottled water. The following are Mr. Sparkler’s views and opinions, and not necessarily those of this outlet or management.

Right now, my kids and I don’t spend more time than we absolutely have to outside. We don’t drink our local tap water. It’s been, quite honestly, a pretty harrowing last couple weeks for my family and me. To say I’m upset that a train carrying toxic chemicals derailed in my town, and that it happened in large part because the companies who run the trains got Donald Trump’s administration to play footsie with them and blow up a bunch of regulations would be the understatement of the century.

I won’t lie — getting a visit from Mr. Trump was so down on the bottom of my wish list that it really wasn’t on there. Considering his deregulation is at the heart of the issue, and a big contributing factor to why my sons and I can’t go play catch right now, I would have, I think, been just fine never seeing his corpulent self stride into my town. But I’ve long since figured out the world isn’t run by the things I want.

All that being said, the guy did deliver some fresh bottled water with his tiny, daughter lusting hands yesterday. My friends and neighbors are like me; they need bottled water too right now. Granted, like everything, he had his name on the water, and there’s a pretty good chance he only donated it to get some kind of massive tax write-off, but let’s give credit where it’s due, I guess.

So, yeah, my kids and I are currently living in a Mad Max-esque hellscape where we can’t trust the air we breathe, or the water we drink. It’s least partially your fault that we’re in this mess. But, sure, thanks for the branded bottled water, I guess, Don.

@jamboschlarmbo Gee, thanks Don. #Trump #political #satire #eastpalestine #trainderailment #politik #politics ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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