WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dr. Moron T. Dumbfuck and his steady, faithful servant Nurse Billy Q. Stupid-Ass are undeniably two of the most important medical professional in the United States, and they want the American people to consider dumping the drug hydroxychloroquine down their throats, whether or not the Food and Drug Administration, the CDC, WHO, or any other so-called health organizations have proven through alleged scientific means that it even has an effect on the COVID-19 virus. During a recent daily briefing from the White House coronavirus task force, Dr. Dumbfuck issued a proclamation — he was prescribing hydroxychloroquine to “any American brave enough to sacrifice their lives for [his] ego and economy.”
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“My economy depends on people getting back to work as quickly as they physically can,” Dr. Dumbfuck said. “So, maybe it’s time for any American brave enough to sacrifice their lives for my ego and economy to take this lovely drug I know really nothing about on any real level. That’s why I’m issuing an unprecedented, universal prescription for it, and I encourage you all to heed this advice, because after all I’m a real doctor with a real medical degree, am I not? Even if I’m not, the bottom line is pretty simple — if you’re an idiot, feel free to take my advice and take this drug, thanks.”
Nurse Stupid-Ass took a cue from his boss, and told Fox News host Frau Laura Ingraham that he “fully supports” Dr. Dumbfuck’s blanked prescription of hydroxychloroquine.
“I don’t just say this as someone who loves to cozy up to Dr. Dumbfuck’s ass cheeks. I don’t just say this as a servile toady. I don’t just say this as a misanthropic dick whistle that no one should trust,” Nurse Stupid-Ass told Ingraham, “but of course everyone should take the drug. Ignore the so-called potential side effects. Who even talks like that except egghead doctors and shit? Not true blue, American patriot doctors like our good Dear Dr. Dumbfuck, that’s for sure!”
Dr. Dumbfuck, perhaps understanding that he alone cannot possibly convince Americans to take a drug whose efficacy against COVID-19 is unconfirmed, brought out some more “big, bigly medical people” to back him up. He brought in Dr. Jenny McCarthy from the Mercola Institute, and Dr. David Avocado Wolfe of the Trump University School of Medicinal Woo. Both doctors gave testimony in agreement with Dr. Dumbfuck and Nurse Stupid-Ass.
“Well, quite frankly if your chakras are aligned, you’re doing your karma cleanses, and boosting your immunity with turmeric,” Dr. Avocado Wolfe explained, “you technically wouldn’t even need this drug, or any BIG PHARMA drug out on the market. But I know I can’t force everyone to lead a toxin-free, spiritually clean life, so in that case, I’d say absolutely you should heed this man’s medical advice.”
Dr. McCarthy pointed to Dr. Dumbfuck’s prior career experience as another reason Americans should trust his medical advice.
“Umm, like, Dr. D used to be a reality-TV game show host. If that doesn’t qualify you to make serious health recommendations on untested drugs, then by God, I don’t know what does,” Dr. McCarthy said. “For goodness sake, he tried to trademark the phrase, ‘You’re Fired!’ Doesn’t that show a deep, deep level of intellectualism and even scientific knowledge? No, really, doesn’t it? I’m asking, because I’m stupid and don’t know stuff.”
A beaming Dr. Dumbfuck thanksed McCarthy and Avocado Wolfe for the “kind words” and “bigly yuge thoughts.”
“So there you have it folks. You can take the word of all the stable geniuses up here,” Dumbfuck closed out the briefing, “or you can listen to so-called actual doctors. Sounds like a real risk, a gamble, if you do. So, go ahead. Take the drug. When have I ever lied to you or had an ulterior motive before?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.