Local Douchebag Anxious to Be Vindicated About Manchester Terror Suspect’s Religion

PALUMBO, OHIO — When word of the most recent terror attack in England broke, 26-year-old self described “intellectual and news personality” Rick Ryan told his podcast audience that he was “saddened” by the news, but he also said he was “anxious as all get out” to have the identity — and ultimately the religion — of the people responsible confirmed.

“I cannot smugly gloat about this being yet another example of RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM,” Ryan explained to his audience, “until we know for a fact it was Muslims who did this. I mean, of course we should all do the sensible and responsible thing and assume it was Muslims who did this, and we have no choice but to then over generalize about all Muslims and to then in turn wag our fingers at so-called moderate Muslims for not doing more to stop this, but I want to be able to gloat and rub it in every libtard face I see!”

Ryan calls his podcast “Only Biased the Right Way,” and he says he focuses on “destroying libtarded talking points.” Rick admitted that his gloating over the religious beliefs of a terror suspect isn’t going to end terrorism, or even do much more than use the victims as political props. However, Mr. Ryan said it’s still “vitally important to demagogue the living shit out of all Muslims.”

“Of course me being right about their religion doesn’t make the crime any less horrific,” Ryan conceded, “Of course it doesn’t help bring comfort to the victims, and of course it only fosters the same kind of hate that the terror attacks are ostensibly carried out in retaliation for. But do you know what being right about their religion does for me? It makes me feel smug, and indignant that I have to wait a few days to condemn an entire group of people.”

A devout member of the religious right, Ryan doesn’t believe that the origins of Islam and Christianity are similar enough to warrant humility or caution in chastising all Muslims for the actions of a few. He said that things like the Inquisition and the Crusades “don’t count” because they happened so long ago. And so, Rick argues, it’s time for Christians to be more judgmental of Muslims, not less.

“I know that heinous acts have been committed in the name of my God,” Mr. Ryan said, “and I know that technically my God is derived from the same origin material as their God. But, I mean, you know, stuff and things and such and it’s different because I’m a Christian and since I would never personally commit any dark acts in the name of my good, clean, ammo hoarding, patriotic God, no other Christians would either, period.”

As he was wrapping up his podcast authorities announced the identity of the attacker, and word broke that ISIS was claiming responsibility. Though the terrorist group takes credit for all acts of terror, with or without a solid, concrete connection to the assailant, that was more than enough for Ryan. He looked right into the lens, tipped his fedora, and then folded his arms across his chest.

“And there you have it,” Ryan said smugly, “religion of peace my ass. Now let’s go scream in the faces of teenage girls going to Planned Parenthood for routine checkups because we assume they’re pregnant and getting abortions, shall we?!”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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