Read Donald Trump’s Full Statement on the New York AG’s Criminal Investigation of His Family

While he can’t post it on Twitter himself, former President Donald John “Tiny Hands” Trump has responded to news that broke late last night. New York Attorney General Letitia James announced that her office had transitioned its investigation into the Trump Organization’s finances from one of a civil nature to a criminal one.

Unsurprisingly, former President Trump left it to his third most intelligent son, Donald Trump Jr, to deliver his statement — which contained more than 900 words — to the general public.

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Throughout his tenure in office, Trump’s businesses and charities ran afoul of the law multiple times. Allegations of financial impropriety plagued the Trump Organization even before Mr. Trump was elected in 2016. Shortly after taking office, Trump University was forced to pay a $20 million fraud settlement to former alumni, and a charity allegedly for children with cancer, started by Trump’s son Eric, was forced to shut down over allegations that money was diverted from the charity to personal interests of the family.

Trump is accused, among other things, of lying about the value of his various properties in order to lower his tax bill. Trump would then turn around and over-value the same properties, allegedly, when attempting to secure loans against them. Under examination by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, former Trump attorney Michael Cohen gave key details to how is old boss’s organization was run that many believe opened lanes of investigation into the Trump family business dealings.

In our continuing endeavors to provide the most important information to our readers that we think they should have, The Political Garbage Chute’s editorial board has decided to re-print former President Trump’s entire statement, in its entirety, verbatim. What follows below is our transcription of his statement.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
FAKE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

WITCH HUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I WANT CHICKY NUGGIES!

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

THERE WERE 18 TRILLION ILLEGAL VOTES IN THE STATE OF NEW WEST ENGLANDSHIRELAND!

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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