President-Elect Donald Trump Vows to Change ISIS’s Wi-Fi Password

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump took time this weekend to give the American people “just a slice” of his plans for combating ISIS, or “Daesh.”

“Some have criticized my understanding of how the Internet works,” Trump told his supporters, “and you know maybe they’re right. I’m an extremely rich, older gentleman. So the whole computer thing is a little bleep bleep bloop to me, if you know what I mean, but I have been talking with the toppest, yoogist Internet nerds on the block, like the biggest nerds I could find, and they said that we can have an immediate impact on ISIS by doing something really simple — changing their Wi-Fi password.”

According to Trump, one of his top technology advisers told him that when his son acts up, the adviser changes the password on his home’s Wi-Fi network. Trump said that was “quite a brilliant idea” and he assigned his tech team the task of figuring out how connect to every single wireless router and access point the Islamic terrorist group uses and change their password, thereby “shutting down their pipeline to the world,” according to Trump.

“We could make it something like ‘TrumpRules69’ or ‘Islamcansuckme69’ or pretty much any password that ends in 69,” Trump said, before finishing, “because all my passwords end in 69.”

While he admitted that he wasn’t “at all sure how the Internet gets to [his] home,” he was sure that he had “put together the bestest, most yoogist team of experts on tech” and that they’d “crack the code on cracking into” ISIS’s network.

During the press conference, Trump also announced that changing the Wi-Fi password wasn’t his only “super smartguy genius idea” to fight terrorism on a technological battlefront.

“We’ve also looked into finding the power strip they have their router plugged into and turning it off,” Trump said. Some other ideas he told the crowd about were buying the ISP that ISIS uses and jacking up their bundle deal so much they have to drop the cable from it, making it too expensive to keep the service, and “creating a Muslim-free zone” on the web, though he admitted he wasn’t “sure at all” how to make that work.

“Look, here’s what I know,” Mr. Trump said at one point during the speech, “scaring the living crap out of you guys by scare mongering over Islamic terrorism is key. Making you all truly frightened at the prospect of a terrorist sleeper cell being headquartered in your next door neighbor’s house is vital, and so regardless of if any of my solutions are practical, or even possible, I’m going to keep ginning up your Islamaphobia, because that’s what I did to win the election so why change now?”

“All that matters,” Trump said, “is that you be deathly afraid of Muslims, and that words come out of my mouth that sound like a solution — whether that solution has a chance of working or not, which it will, because anything I do works, and works perfectly because I’m Donald Fuckin’ Trump!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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