You’ve Never Met Donald Trump’s Girlfriend, Okay? She Doesn’t Go To School Here.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today President Trump continued his escalating war of words with TIME Magazine and also announced that he had a new girlfriend, but no one around here knows her because she goes to a different school that’s off the Hill. 

The feud started when the president tweeted to his thousands of followers and millions of Russian bots that he’d been told by TIME he’d “probably” be made their Person of the Year again. However, according to Trump’s tweet, probably isn’t good enough for him to accept the award, which he won last year as well.

A short time later, TIME issued their own tweet, completely refuting Trump’s account.

Normally, this kind of public rebuke might cause a different president to shrink away from the drama, but this morning Trump dug in and doubled-down. He called the tweet from TIME a “nasty, disrespectful insult” and said that “just because they’re telling the truth” that doesn’t mean he’s not “telling a similar, but much different version of the same truth.”

“They have their story, I have mine,” Trump said, his arms crossed as he sat behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. “I’ve heard rumors that people think I was lying about this. Let me tell you something — as God as my witness I would never lie. I’ve never, ever lied, to be totally honest with you. I was just telling my great friends Lady Gaga and John Cena this. When we were at Madonna’s house sipping champagne with JFK, who isn’t actually dead, but is actually alive and in better health than people half his age because of experimental, alien technology introduced to him before he faked his own assassination.”

Then, Trump explained he had an announcement to make.

“Oh, also, I’m sick and tired of you guys saying I don’t really have a girlfriend, okay? I have a girlfriend,” Trump said emphatically, “and you guys just don’t know her, okay? She doesn’t got to school here. And I don’t have a picture to show you because she already gave all her senior portraits out.”

Reached for comment Not Quite First Lady Melania Trump said she “doesn’t care” if Trump has a girlfriend or not.

“Look at him. Look at me,” Melania said. “She’d be doing me a favor taking him off my hands. If she existed.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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