Donald Trump, Ted Cruz Agree U.S. Should Get ‘Dibs’ on Gravitational Waves

GREEN VALLEY, SOUTH CAROLINA — Donald J. Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) may be jockeying for the same Republican presidential nomination, but they don’t mind announcing when they agree on a subject.

Such an instance occurred this week in the Palmetto State when Trump and Cruz’s campaigns both said each would be interested in harvesting the gravitational waves that astrophysicists just announced they had discovered, for whatever purpose the United States of America sees fit. The waves, first theorized by none other than Albert Einstein himself, more than a hundred years ago, are ripples in space and time. The discovery was made after an audio recording was made of two black holes colliding.

Cruz, who heads the senate’s space exploration committee and his direct influence over NASA’s budget, was the first to pounce on the gravitational waves as a political talking point.

“You can call me a crazy, Evangelical Christian Dominionist if you want — Lord knows I am one, but to me this is a simple proposition,” Cruz told a crowd in Green Valley, South Carolina this week, “anything that is known or unknown in the universe must first belong to the greatest nation on the greatest planet — minus the liberals — in the entire universe.” Cruz said the gravitational waves excite him, even if he doesn’t know exactly what they are.

“Do we have to know what they are to claim dibs on them? I think not,” Cruz told his audience. He later would propose that if the ripples in space and time are big enough, he could issue an executive order to have Hillary Clinton “and any other godless, amoral liberal who wants to fundamentally change our American way of life” into them, effectively sending them to “an alternate universe or at least some other point in time.” Cruz also wondered aloud of the ripples can be used to “stop 9/11, Benghazi, and Barack Obama’s birth,” three events he said “forever damaged this great nation of ours.”

For his part, Trump said that he didn’t “give too many shits” about what the waves are, or how they can be used, but rather he is interested in “whether or not they’ll get [him] laid.” Trump also said getting sole control of the gravitational waves would “have a yooge impact in our fight to dominate China.”

“I’m not surprised that Donald and I see this issue very similarly,” Cruz said, “the truth is that he and I are splitting the Tea Party vote right now. We both want to represent the people who live in an alternate reality already. The people who think climate change is a hoax, but that a female’s body can just shut down if rape sperm enters her vagina. So for us to agree on this issue is not only the furthest thing from a surprise, it’s just perfectly consistent with the kinds of boobs we’re trying to get support from.”

Reached for comment, a spokesman at NASA said,”What the fuck,” when asked about Trump and Cruz’s proposals, and hung up laughing, thinking it was a prank call.

“You know, some people have said to me, Donald, what do you think you’re going to do with those waves? You’re no Einstein,” Trump said as his own rally was concluding, “and you know what? They’re right. I’m not as smart as Einstein. I’m smarter. So shut up, vote for me, and lets get those damn gravity wave thingies in our possession and make this country great again!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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