Donald Trump Not Sure Which Supporter’s Question to Answer First

CARA RACISTA, FLORIDA — A Donald J. Trump campaign rally experienced what staffers are calling an “unscheduled delay” when the candidate had an extremely tough time deciding which of his supporters’ questions to answer first.

“Wow! What a yooge number of questions,” Trump yelled to the crowd as hundreds of yelling, semi-unwashed and semi-toothless supporters raised their hands in unison, “and this is going to be really hard to figure out who to call on!” Mr. Trump would reportedly tell his staff later that seeing all the hands raised toward him made him “swell and bulge with pride” because he knew all those questions meant he “has the most smartest, most best educationalized followers of them all.”

Sarah Palin, the reality-TV star who for some reason was also a Vice Presidential candidate in 2008 and served an historic, half-term as Alaska’s governor, was on hand and Trump staffers say she was “impressed, if not a little jealous” of the exuberance with which Trump’s fans thrust their hands in the air to ask questions.

“Oh golly, gosh, gee-willikers! This is tremendous, Donnie,” Palin is said to have told Trump in his ear, “all these people have so many passionate questions for you! You’re going to be a much gooder president than the Mom Jeans Wearer in Chef, you betcha!”

After thirty minutes of looking out over the throng of supporters, their hands up-stretched and cocked at a slight angle, palms facing the ground, Trump shrugged his shoulders.

“I just can’t decide,” he shouted the masses, “you’re all such yooge winners. I know that you’d ask yooge winner questions and, of course, since I’d be answering them, you’d get yooge winner answers because nothing I do is ever bad or fails; it just goes bankrupt.”

Two hours later, Trump and Palin were still just standing there, the crowd still cheering, and still no one had asked a single question. That’s when a Trump staffer stepped-in and told the Donald he’d already missed two more scheduled appearances, and if they didn’t hurry up he’d miss a third and fourth appearance. Trump nodded.

“I have to go now, my lovely, lovely people,” Trump said to the crowd, “just remember what I always say. China. Yooge. Winners and losers. Yooge. Bim-bam-boom, Make America Great. Also, I have a new book out tomorrow called ‘My Struggle’ and you can pick it up wherever you get your Penthouse magazines from. One people, one country, one president!”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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