MORONTON, FLORIDA — After threatening to sue the women coming forward to accuse him of sexual misconduct and assault after the election, Donald Trump — Republican presidential nominee, alleged billionaire, and winner of Season 3 of “America’s Next Super Rich Sexual Predator” — announced that his lawyers were looking into filing another lawsuit.
“My lawyers, the best lawyers that money can buy really,” Trump told reporters in Florida this morning, “are telling me I have a pretty solid case against this guy, and I’ve always believed in going after the win whenever you can.”
Mr. Trump said that he and his legal team have come to the conclusion that a single man bears responsibility for what many presume is going to be a crushing defeat to Hillary Clinton in just a couple of weeks.
“Looking at the polls,” Donald said, “it’s very clear my struggles can be blamed on one person’s ineptitude and unceasing efforts to make me look bad — and that person is Donald J. Trump.”
Relying on the people he called “the very best kinda Jews,” Trump says his lawyers assured him he has a winnable case. He said that he specifically hires people who tell him all his ideas are good ones for a reason, and that this scenario is a “classic example of one those times.” Mr. Trump said that when he and his attorneys looked at all the facts of the case, they could see that it was Donald Trump who did the most damage to the Donald Trump presidential campaign, and they believe that Donald Trump should be held accountable.
“We’re not sure if that means holding him accountable financially,” Trump said, “or criminally. But one thing is for sure — Donald Trump will pay for costing Donald Trump what Donald Trump really, wanted folks. I mean, like, really.”
Trump said that despite the fact that it looks like he is headed to the worst electoral defeat in this country since Ronald Reagan defeated Walter Mondale in 1984, or since Bill Clinton defeated Bob Dole in 1996, he learned quite a few things.
“Oh, this whole process has taught me a whole lot, sure,” Trump said to a rally crowd, “like, for instance, who knew that allegedly having a ton of money and definitely having a one hundred percent NORMAL schlong wouldn’t be enough to win the presidency after all?”
Someone from the crowd shouted, “Well, we kinda all knew that, Mr. Trump.”
“Oh, everyone knew,” Trump asked, “my bad.”
Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight algorithm, which correctly predicted the 2012 re-election of Barack Obama, currently gives Trump an 18.7% chance of defeating Hillary Clinton on November 8th. Breitbart News, however, gives Trump a 325% chance of winning.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.