WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, President Donald Trump’s son, his namesake at that, delivered a passionate speech to the American people, beseeching them to give his father one more term in the Oval Office.
Trump Jr. received mixed ratings at best for his speech. Many felt it was too angry in tone, and others wondered if, perhaps, he’d engaged in some recreational drugs like cocaine before giving it. Trump Jr.’s eyes were extremely glassy and red, and his energy level reminded some we spoke to of “Lindsey Lohan partying with Charlie Sheen in John Belushi’s hotel room.”
“Look, Don Jr. did the best he could do, alright? Do we wish that we’d had a deeper bench, a fuller roster to pull from,” one RNC source asked us rhetorically,”Of course! But for a guy who suffers from Chronic Jizz Face, what’s everyone expect? The guy is pretty stupid, to boot. Frankly we should be thankful that he did more than spit on his own shoes and shit his pants on stage, but then again, why would he steal his dad’s thunder like that?”
Other people might not have enjoyed his speech, but according our source, the president happened to “love” it.
“President Trump always enjoys being the center of attention,” our source said. “He was quite pleased that his son, whom he lovingly refers to as ‘Male Non-Ivanka Number One,’ didn’t completely and royally fuck-up the speech by not mentioning him enough in it. To the president’s surprise, his dumbshit son managed to not be totally worthless, for once.”
However, just because the president loved the speech, our source was quick to point out that does not mean he actually loves his son.
“Let’s not put the horse before the cart, know what I mean? It was one speech. One. That little piece of shit has been a pain in my — I MEAN THE PRESIDENT’S — ass his whole life,” our still totally anonymous source said. “This kid owes the president, know what I mean? I — fuck! He cleaned up a lot of that little shitdick’s mistakes as a kid, I’ll tell you that much right here and now.”
A loud, audible fart, snort, and fart-snort was heard on the other of the phone. Then, our source continued speaking, wheezing a bit as he did. His dentures were getting in the way of his words from time to time as well. That’s not consequential to the story, but it is to the mockery of the douchebag president so, there you have it.
“Loving that piece of shit is gonna take a lot more than one crumb-bumb speech, alright? That kid’s gonna have to earn my love like my father made me never earn his. It’s just how these things go. Shit rolls one way, down my chest and onto the sheets where the nice lady had also just gone pee-pee. Anyway, I gotta go, the DoorDash is here with my McNuggies.”
When word reached Donald Jr. that his father loved his speech but still pretty much hated him, he still reached out and called the president anyway.
“Did you see me coke-scream at the Democrats, Daddy? Did you see,” Donald Jr. asked.
On the other end of the phone, the president laughed.
“Yeah, I saw, kid,” Trump said. “Hang on, I gotta brush some McNuggie sauce off your sister’s tits. I was snorting it off them, you understand. Just now, before you called. I’m saying that right before you called I was eating McNuggies and snorting the sauce off your sisters cans. Just so we are CRYSTAL fucking clear here, Junior.”
Donald Jr. abruptly hung-up because it still makes him angry that Daddy has McNuggie time with Sissy and not him. Thankfully, his girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle had plenty of cocaine in her glass eye socket, which she let him pour out onto the coffee table before he sucked it up into his big, dumb, stupid, racist, entitled, spoiled cunt face.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.