NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Donald J. Trump presidential campaign is in dire financial straits, and it’s no secret all over the political spectrum. Presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton has at this point a whopping, $41 million edge over Trump, and this fact has forced the alleged billionaire to think of new fundraising strategies to help pay for his presidential bid.
“Some people have asked why I don’t dip into my totally real, totally yuge, massive fortune, the best fortune ever amassed,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Towers apartment building, “but I wouldn’t have gotten so rich — and I am definitely really as rich as I say am — if I had just willy-nilly spent money like that.” So, Trump said, he decided to “live in the now” and “embrace the friggin’ new world,” and started a GoFundMe crowd-funding page to help inject his campaign with cash.
It’s been a tumultuous time in the Trump camp, the reality-TV star and walking, talking shart in an unconvincing toupee told the media while he announced the Go Fund Me campaign. Shortly after word broke nationally that his coffers were getting thin, he fired his controversial campaign manager. Then, he got confused when his staff told him that Michele Bachmann had agreed to “get into bed with” him and he had to have a very awkward conversation with his daughter Ivanka about where she’d have to sleep until the end of the election, only to be told that he misunderstood an old axiom. Then he had to be taught what the word “axiom” means.
“I don’t really get it,” Trump told the press candidly, “people just aren’t giving me — er I mean my campaign — money as much as they’ve given other, less orange, less bombastic, less openly douchey candidates. Who’d have thought going around calling all Mexicans rapists, or saying we need to ban all Muslims from entering the country, would only be popular among an ever-dwindling group of people, and that most thinking humans would be so repulsed by me they’d never give me a red cent?”
Mr. Trump says that he will “absotively, posolutely” ensure that “every damn nickel” that’s donated to the Go Fund Me Will only wind up in his campaign fund, and not anywhere else.
“I know, I’ve promised to donate money to charity and it never really shows up there,” Trump said, “and it’s clear to anyone with an IQ north of 40 that I’m full of shit. I mean, the finest, best, most luxurious shit imaginable, but shit nonetheless. But really, Honest Injun — and that’s totally NOT racist, you Redskin motherfuckers — you can trust me this time. Every bit of money you donate to the Trump GoFundMe will go to my campaign and not, for instance, to my slush fund I use to buy cheap looking costume jewelry to give out to people when I’m bullshitting them about how rich I am.”
Before going back inside Trump Towers, Mr. Trump placed a large pickle jar in front of the door that said “TIPS FOR TRUMP’S CAMPAIGN” on it.