Donald Trump, Having Just Fired James Comey, Accidentally Bit Ivanka While She Spoon-Fed Him Soup

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports out of the White House are that within a few minutes of firing FBI Director James Comey, alleged President Donald Trump accidentally bit First Lady Ivanka Trump.

“Ivanka was in the middle of her dinner time routine with the president,” one White House official told reporters in an email, “where she sits on his lap and spoons lukewarm soup into his gullet. The next thing we know, from the other room we hear the First Lady yelp, and she’s screaming, ‘You bit me Daddy, and not in the good way this time!'”

The president was apparently distracted by what he was seeing on television.

“Why come they no like me fire James Comey,” Trump said in his trademark lack of intellect and elocution, “me think that good. Why not them think good? Dems not like Comey too!”

The decision to fire Comey might come as a shock to some, given how widely credited Comey is with helping Trump win the election last year. When Mr. Comey decided to break with longstanding FBI protocols and tradition and announce that he was re-opening the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails just days before the election, many pollsters say that’s when the tide started to turn for former Secretary of State Clinton and in Trump’s favor. Firing Comey now, seems to indicate some guilt to many on both sides of the aisle, as Comey had just announced that Trump’s business ties were being probed by the FBI.

From within the White House, reports started circulating not that long after Comey’s firing that Trump and his associates were not prepared for the negative reaction and blow back from Comey’s firing that they got. There were several reports that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was literally hiding in the bushes from reporters at one point. President Trump’s daughter attempted to explain to her father that firing the man who was in charge of investigating him, no matter how badly Comey had handled a myriad of issues, was going to look bad. That’s when Trump apparently became distracted and bit Ivanka as she was feeding him.

“Ouch,” Ivanka yelped, “why’d you do that Daddy? You bit me Daddy, and not in the good way this time!”

The president apologized. He said to his daughter that he had bitten her purely on accident, but that while he was thinking about it, what she had really done for him lately? Ivanka fumed. She stamped her feet. She held her breath. But her father-lover was just not getting the point.

“You owe me an apology, Daddy,” Ivanka screamed, “and what have I done for you lately? Besides be the one, last, best hope you have for not completely losing all your credibility as a decent human being, even though I’m being tremendously complicit with your batshit craziness so I can make more money for my cheap merch? I don’t know, Daddy, you tell me.”

Over the next few minutes, the First Couple argued a bit. But in the end, the president calmed down when his daughter showed him pictures from her trip to Europe.

“Show me the ones where you went to that nude beach again, Ivanka,” Trump said, settling into bed, “and then tell me about the rabbits, would you?”

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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