Donald Trump Spends Three Hours at Campaign Stop Trying to Shake One Man’s Hand

LAGO MANITAS, FLORIDA — Donald J. Trump’s campaign experienced an unscheduled, three-hour long delay this morning, which the billionaire reality-TV star’s team is blaming on a “handshake snafu.”

After an event in Florida, Trump left the stage he had been speaking from and began working his way back to the bus that would take him to the next campaign stop. As is the tradition for nearly every presidential candidate of the past several decades, Trump spent time shaking hands and interacting with several of his supporters on his way to the bus, and that’s where his staff said things went awry.

“Everyone told me I have to shake hands and kiss babies,” Trump told reporters after the incident, ” and I had already kissed my daughter Ivanka, square on the mouth, so I got the kissing babes thing done.” Mr. Trump said that when he tried to shake one man’s hand, things took a turn because his hand “just kept slipping out of that guy’s enormous hand.”

Trump, who has insisted that his hands are completely average and normal size, wagged a tiny digit at a reporter who implied the size of his hand was the root cause of the problem with the handshake.

“Only a real yooge loser would say something like that,” Trump scorned the reporter, “and I have a mind to slap you right here across the face.” Trump reached back and smacked the reporter, creating a nearly inaudible noise as his petite palm made contact with the reporter’s cheek. The media pool in attendance at first seemed shocked that Trump would resort to physical violence, but then everyone erupted in laughter when they realized his hands were so picayune, they’d never do any actual harm to anyone.

Mr. Trump, sensing he was being laughed at, produced a tiny pad of paper and a wee pen from his suit pocket and began scribbling the same thing on pieces of paper, tearing them off, and handing them to the reporters. His diminutive little digits flying as fast as they could, Trump handed out roughly sixty-five hand-written notes to the reporters laughing at him. The notes simply said, “I hereby sue you, consider yourself sued. Loser.”

“I will see all of you yooge fuggin’ losers in court,” Trump blasted, “no one makes fun of me or my TOTALLY NORMAL SIZED HANDS without being sued so hard their faces melt.”


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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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