Donald Trump to Silently Masturbate to 1999-ish Pictures of His Hair During GOP Debate

STANSON, IOWA — Politicians and pundits alike have been trying to figure out what Donald J. Trump, the billionaire reality-TV star who is also the current Republican presidential front runner, will do tonight, since he has decided to not participate in Fox News’ televised debate from Iowa tonight. Shortly before 7am Central Time, Trump sent a tweet from his official, verified Twitter account, announcing what he’d be doing tonight instead of debating.

Though he had already announced he’d be attending a Wounded Warriors benefit tonight, Trump eluded to yet another event on his docket for this evening.

“I won’t be de-bating,” Trump’s tweet said, “but I will be “bating” tonight. To pictures of the best fuckin’ hair ever, mine, from c.1999. #MakeAmericaBateAgain.”

Trump and his team decided to skip tonight’s debate because Fox News refused to replace Megyn Kelly as the moderator. Trump and Kelly clashed back in August of 2015 when the conservatively-geared news network hosted another GOP debate. In that exchange, Trump intimated that Kelly was being so harsh on him because she was possibly menstruating at the time. Some outlets reported yesterday that Trump cited Kelly’s “rag time blues” as a reason for missing the debate tonight.

“I always was taught a very simple rule by my dad,” Trump said in another tweet, “if they’re-a-bleeding, you’ll be a-needing to get the fuck away from them…for about a week. My dad was yoogely smart. #SmartDad #MakeAmericaMyDadAgain.”

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for Fox News told us that they were “delighted that Mr. Trump found alternative entertainment for the evening.” They said, however, that a “spot would still be held” for Trump and they would “gladly grovel publicly” if that’s what it took to secure him, and the ratings he’d be sure to bring to their network.

“Donald Trump is a nasty, vile, immature, xenophobic, Islamaphobic man,” the Fox News spokesperson told us in an email, “which is exactly why he fits in so well on our network with Hannity and O’Reilly. We really wish he’d reconsider coming to the debate. We barely like Megyn ourselves.”

Coverage of the Republican debate will begin on Fox News at 7pm Eastern.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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