Trump: Orlando Shooting Proves Second Amendment Should Not Apply to Muslims

GLEN OAKS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Speaking to a large crowd at Fast Fish, a local fried seafood eatery beloved by the citizens of Glen Oaks, New Hampshire, billionaire Donald J. Trump said that if he were president, he’d push to have the Second Amendment revised so it does not apply to people who call Islam their religion.

“Let me just make a general statement about Muslims based on the actions of a minuscule number of them,” Trump said at a pivotal point in his campaign speech at Fast Fish, “they can’t be trusted with guns, ever.” Trump said that “what happened in Orlando was terrible, but what makes it worse is that it wasn’t homegrown, American Christian terrorism” but instead was an American Muslim. Trump said the shooting would never have taken place if the Second Amendment had been amended to exclude Muslims.

Trump said that “some legal beagle douchebags” might insist that the First Amendment protects the religious freedoms of all people, and that making the Second Amendment only apply to non-Muslims would directly violate it. But, Trump said, “that was something lawyers would figure out later” and he was “going to push like Hell for it” if he’s elected.

“It’s one thing when a mentally disturbed Christian shoots up a Planned Parenthood clinic,” Trump said, “but it’s just totally wrong, terrible, and a million times worse when a Muslim commits mass murder because well, Muslim, doy.”

Mr. Trump said while it’s “beyond the pale of decency” to generalize about white, Christian Americans because “they just don’t ever kill people, unless it’s in Oklahoma City, or a Planned Parenthood clinic or something,” it’s “only natural” to generalize about Muslims because “they’re not generally from around here and stuff.”

Trump said that while the 14th Amendment’s Equal Protection Clause could prove problematic for his proposal, he has “consultated with the best friggin’ Constipational scholars out there” and they have assured him that “Republican presidents can do anything they want, like when Nixon created an entire DEA out of thin air with an executive order” and Republican voters will “rejoice in it.”

“So, the way I see it,” Trump said, “I win, I do whatever the frig I want. Starting with putting the Trump name in big gold letters on the outside of the White House, and ending with adding languistical elements to the Secondary Amendment that will strip Muslims of their right to own guns.” Trump said he wasn’t”even remotely worried about in the slightest” any impeachment efforts because he’d “just slip some dough to the ones” who wanted to remove him from office “and bim-bam-bomb, I’m not impeached.”

When reporters asked him if he feels Muslims simply deserve to be left defenseless, without a firearm to protect them, he laughed. “Everyone should have a right to defend themselves,” the former reality TV star said, “just not with a gun. So I say we let the Muslims in this country defend themselves with non-lethal weapons.” Trump suggested Muslim Americans be allowed to purchase “Halal weapons” like “hummus or those curvy sword things” instead of guns.

“All I’m saying is there was this guy in Germany once that took care of a problem he had with a certain religious group in part by taking their guns away,” Trump said, adding that he likes to “borrow ideas from winners like that.”

“My people, top people, the friggin’ best people, the people with the yoogest brains, say that the Constitution can only apply to Christians if we say so,” Trump said as he was wrapping up the press conference after the rally. “That’s why,” he continued, “I think it’s vital we repeal the Second Amendment but only for Muslims. Because if you read the text carefully, it doesn’t say ‘shall not be infringed except for Muslims,’ so we see that as a place for some much needed updating.”



James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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