Trump Says He’d Build A Wall Around The Country Of ‘Islam’ And Make ISIS Pay For It

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — While in line at the deli just down the street from his Trump Towers apartment building, Donald J. Trump told reporters that if he wins the election in the fall, he plans to build more than one wall.

Trump has famously made the construction of a new, gigantic wall between the United States and Mexico a cornerstone of his presidential campaign and he told reporters in the deli he’s ready to “double-the-frig-down” on that proposal.

“Not only are we going to have the biggest wall, the best wall ever, built between us and Mexico,” Trump told the press as he ordered a pastrami sandwich on rye with extra pickles and a ginger ale, “we’re going to double-the-frig-down on it and also build a wall between us and Islam.”

The reporters looked at Trump skeptically. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee paid for his sandwich and soda and when he seemed to understand they were dubious, he addressed the media.

“It’s not that hard, we build a wall between us and that Islam country,” Trump said, “and I bet a lot of other countries will thank us. They’ll probably offer to pay for the damn thing. I mean, we keep all those Muslim immigrants back home in Islam, and I bet we end terrorism right-the-frig there!”

When asked who would pay for such a wall, Trump scoffed.

“ISIS, of course, duh,” Mr. Trump sneered, adding that “if Mexico can be forced to pay for our Mexico wall, then ISIS can be forced to pay for the wall between us and Islam. This isn’t that hard a concept, guys.”

Sarcastic reporters asked Trump if he’d try to negotiate with Islam first, or if military options were on the table should they refuse to have the wall erected on their borders. Mr. Trump didn’t miss a beat. Handing his sandwich to his daughter, Trump answered the question definitively.

“To be honest, I don’t even know who the prime menstruator or president of Islam is,” Trump said, “and my senior foreign policy adviser — Sarah Palin — says she’s having a hard time even finding the country on a map, much less from her back yard. But make no mistake. When we find Islam, we will enter into tough — but fair — negotiations with them, and yes, if they refuse to build the wall there will be stiff consequences. Probably a nuke. Oh who am I kidding? Definitely a nuke.”

Donald Trump has no experience holding any elected position in any level of government local, state, federal, or otherwise.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This