Donald Trump Says As President He’d Annex Jupiter

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Alleged billionaire and presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump told reporters today that when he’s elected president in the fall he will immediately “demand those Congress dorks” give him permission to invade and annex the planet Jupiter.

“They say that boys go to Mars to get more candy bars,” Trump told the press outside his Trump Towers apartment building, “and that girls only go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Well, what could be more stupider than America’s stupidest president annexing a planet?!”

Trump’s announcement comes on the heels of the news that NASA’s Juno spacecraft has reached Jupiter and can begin its mission of orbiting the planet and sending back images to Earth. It took the craft five years to reach Jupiter at a cost of about a billion dollars, which Trump promised his Republican backers he could have gotten done with his “guys, the best friggin’ guys” at a fraction of the cost.

“Would the flying saucer have gotten to Jupiter if my guys, the best friggin’ guys, had built it,” Trump asked rhetorically, “Who knows? But I do know I could wheel and deal and save us at least 70% in costs. If that doesn’t work out, we just take NASA into Chapter 11. Bim-bam-boom. TRUMP!”

Mr. Trump said that after annexing Jupiter he planned to demand that Congress sell the naming and development rights for the planet to Trump Enterprises. He said he plans to rename the planet Trumpiter and he will build 100,000 luxury apartment buildings on the surface of Jupiter by the end of the first 100 days of his presidential term.

When asked just how he’d accomplish such things, when NASA just barely got Juno to Jupiter and there is no current way to make the planet hospitable, Trump gave the reporter who asked the question the finger and made the universal hand sign for masturbation as his one and only answer.

“People will learn,” Trump said, “that when I put my tiny hands to a task, they do not stop until it is completed. And I will put Trump-Mericans on Jupiter in the first hundred days of my presidency, and I will also solve world hunger and poverty. How? Oh, I don’t know, a little thing called winning. Duh.”

Reached for comment, an anonymous source in NASA replied to our email with a simple, “LOL, no,” when asked if anything that Trump suggested he will do is remotely feasible.

Trump, when seeing the anonymous comment, said, “Well, NASA can consider themselves fired. I’ll just do it all myself. We can just build a big, giant, slingshot and shoot people to Jupiter. That’ll work. SHUT UP. That’ll work.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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