Donald Trump Says ‘Just Kidding’ As He Shits In Neighbor’s Mouth While He Sleeps

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Donald Trump has once again stirred up controversy he’s attempting to quell by telling people he’s “just kidding.”

Just a couple days after trying to deflect criticism for his inviting Russian hackers to break into Hillary Clinton’s emails by saying he was only kidding around, a suit was filed against trump by his neighbor, Paul Williamson, for what Williamson says was “the most humiliating and disgusting” event in his life. According to papers filed in court, Williamson is accusing Trump of defecating in his mouth while he was sleeping.

“Mr. Trump waited until 2:45 in the morning,” a signed affidavit states, “at which point he sneaked into my apartment, and into my bedroom. Mr. Trump then waited until I had turned over and my mouth was in such a position as to be conducive to defecating into.”

Mr. Williamson said that he almost immediately woke up when he started to feel the feces enter his mouth, documents show. He states in his affidavit that when confronted, Trump “just kept right on shitting” in his mouth. He spoke to Paul while he was defecating, his grunts and strains interrupting his words every so often.

“Whaaaat? I’m just kidding, Paul,” Trump allegedly told his neighbor, “Paul, I’m just kidding. Paul, don’t get so, hhhhhuuuuuuu over-excited Paul. I have jokes, Paul. The fucking best hhhhhuuuuuuu jokes, Paul.”

Williamson’s affidavit states he tired unsuccessfully several times to roll away from Trump’s anus — which he describes as “horrid, fuzzy, orange,and smelling of sulfur and racism” — but the alleged billionaire and Republican presidential nominee was relentless.

“No matter where I rolled to his butthole was right there spewing shit,” Williamson’s sworn testimony states, “it was like watching him at one of his rallies on the news.”

Trump reportedly offered to give Williamson a “really great, cushy position” in his cabinet, but Williamson was not interested.

“Somehow I have a feeling you becoming president is worse than you shitting directly into my mouth and down my throat,” Mr. Williamson told Trump according to his statement.

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told the media he was “shocked and aghast” at the story. Ryan said Trump’s actions were “rude and certainly not presidential.” He was asked if he’d still be voting for Trump in the fall.

“Oh, most definitely I’m still voting for him,” Ryan said, “I’m a Republican. He’s a Republican. that’s literally all I need to know. I don’t have to agree with or even like him to vote for him. Isn’t America great? Of course it is.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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