Donald Trump Admits Regretting Being Donald Trump

HAM FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA — A day after delivering a speech in which he said he regrets “sometimes saying the wrong thing,” Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump clarified and gave more context to what he meant.

“I meant that I often times regret being Donald Trump,” Trump told his audience at a campaign rally in North Carolina. The alleged billionaire said that some days he wakes up and looks in the mirror and “cries and cries” because “the racist and xenophobic show must go on.

Mr. Trump said that regretting saying the wrong thing has become a “full-time job” for him, his family, his campaign staff, his supporters, and “all of humanity.”

“Let’s face it folks,” Trump said, “if I tell you I regret sometimes saying the wrong thing, I am pretty much signaling that I regret everything from the moment I wake up and roll over to see Ivanka’s smiling face to the moment I retweet my last white supremacist’s tweet of the day and go to bed. Regretting saying the wrong thing has pretty much become a full time job for me. And my family. And my campaign staff. And my supporters…and well, all of humanity.”

In what seemed like a very rare moment of earnest reflection, Trump posited that had he not decided to run for president last year, he could have had a “way more bitchin’ summer” and spent more time with his family, especially his daughter Ivanka, who he called the “apple of [his] balls.”

“Before all this election shit,” Trump said, waving his hands out over the crowd and breathing heavily through the sides of his teeth, “I was just your friendly neighborhood loudmouthed supposed billionaire. I was content to go on weird crusades to debunk Obama’s birth certificate and tweet out birther conspiracy theories. I started this campaign on a lark. I was bored being an asshole in small doses; I wanted to be a big dose of douche for the whole world.”

Trump pressed on, showing yet still even more emotion.

“But this thing has spun so far out of my control it’s ridiculous,” the D-List realityTV celebrity said, “My campaign is in constant turmoil. The polling is making it look like I’m going to lose in such a way as to maybe kill the Republican Party for a few years at least. I’m over it, really, but what do I do? Drop out? Fuck that. My ego’s way too important to me to do that. So I’m going to lose, and lose big. I’ll be be the biggest, best loser you’ve ever seen. No one can lose an election like me. You’ll see. I’ll win by losing.”

Dabbing away a single tear that dripped slowly from his right eye, Trump took another deep breath through the sides of his teeth.

“I’ll lose so good, folks,” Trump said, “I’ll lose…so good.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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