WASHINGTON, D.C. — Co-President Donald Trump will address both houses of Congress in a special, joint session tomorrow night. While there is great speculation all over the political spectrum as to what exactly he’ll say and how he’ll say it, word leaked from the White House this morning is that Mr. Trump is still “locking down” a very “key and pivotal moment” in his speech — which racist joke he should open it with.
“My dad always told me,” one highly-placed source told reporters Trump said to a room full of speechwriters and his Co-President Steve Bannon, “any time you gotta speak in front of a group of people you should do two things. One –picture them in their underwear. And two — open with a really good racist joke.”
Trump said that his father “grew up when men were men” and could “make the jokes they knew would break up the room no matter what pussy-ass bitch snowflakes” were in there with them. Mr. Trump said that he hates the idea of “safe spaces” and that “in this country, we respect everyone’s right to free speech.” Reportedly, that’s when Trump got a phone call and he told whoever was on the other end that he’d like them to look into “deleting freedom of the press” from the Constitution.
“Look, when I’m out in public, I don’t want to hear anything that offends me,” Trump said, “but I’m the damn president. It’s different for me, I’m allowed to be sensitive. But all the fucks out there? All those plebs? The morons who bought all my drain the swamp bullshit? Fuck ’em. Fuck their stupid feelings in the face.”
Trump said that he’s considering “all the best comedians” to help him come up with the joke, but that he’s had some difficulty in selecting someone to work with.
“Well, firs the first fifteen comedians I asked to help me write a racist joke just said to me, ‘You ARE the racist joke’ and hung up. Rude. But this has got to be a real whip-cracker of a joke,” Trump said, “so I’ve got all the best, top names in comedy coming to help me now. We’re talking Jeff Dunham, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and David Duke. Bigly guys.”
Reportedly, Trump has a backup plan, should no joke he’s presented meet with his approval.
“If I can’t get a good joke in here,” Trump said, “I’ll just do the old Mamie routine. That used to kill at Mommy and Daddy’s Christmas parties. I’ll just need you to get me about six cases of black shoe polish. I got a lot more orange to cover up than I did as an eight year old.”
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