Donald Trump Propositions Priebus To Use Putin As Pinch-Pres

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump sent the chairman of the Republican National Committee an email late last night, after the Commander In Chief forum aired on NBC. RNC Chair Reince Priebus told reporters about the email this morning, and he said that the email has left him “in quite a bind.”

“Donald emailed me last night,” Priebus told reporters “and asked if there was any way he could call in Vladimir Putin to be what he called a ‘pinch president’ for him.”

Throughout the campaign Trump has shown warmth toward the Russian president, despite Putin’s leadership being questionable and aggressive. At a time when many in the world fear that Putin is too much a throwback to 19th and 20th century militaristic leaders, Trump has shown a fondness for Putin, and during the Commander In Chief forum, he seemed to tell host Matt Lauer that the Russian leader’s approval ratings were important because they were very high.

Priebus told the press he wasn’t too sure what Trump meant by “pinch president,” and so he asked him to clarify his request.

“You know, like, can Vlad just come in and finish it out for me,” Preibus told the media Trump asked him, “I had no clue this election was so friggin’ long. I came down that escalator last year, and I thought it would be like, I go down the escalator, I say some things about America being great again, I say some more stuff about Mexicans being rapists and murderers and drug dealers, and then bing-bang-boom, you presidentify me. I’m tired Reince, and I’m told this president gig is somewhere where I’m going to be asked to put in, what, five, six solid hours of work? Yeesh.”

Chairman Priebus reported that he told Trump that wasn’t possible. He said that Trump then went quiet for a full three minutes, which Priebus said would alarm anyone who knows Donald Trump.

“That man never shuts up,” Priebus said, “and I think at his funeral we’ll still hear him yammering away in his coffin. So I asked him why he got so quiet, and he said he was thinking. Which is also a scary thing for anyone who knows Donald. When he thinks, weird words come out of his mouth.”

Mr. Priebus said after another couple minutes of mostly silence and mild flatulence on the other end of the phone, Trump suddenly spoke up with another question.

“Okay, let’s just say I get elected, right,” Trump began, “what if I get bored part-way through? Can Vladimir take over then? Like, after I’m elected and shit?”

Priebus told Trump that also would violate the Constitution.

“The cunt-sty-who-now,” Trump asked, genuinely perplexed by the multi-syllabic word.

“The Constitution, Donald, it’s the document our country’s government is founded on,” Priebus reminded him, “remember those flash cards I sent you? Anyway, it says you’d have to hand control of the Executive branch over to Mike Pence if you quit, you can’t give it to Putin.”

Trump asked if the RNC had any “good, top, Matzoh eating lawyers” that could “do their legal mumbo jumbo” and get him permission to hand control of the country over to Vladimir Putin. Priebus told Trump no lawyer can do that. That’s when Trump became very nervous and concerned sounding, Priebus said.

“Well, okay, I um, have to go make a long distance phone call…to Moscow,” Trump said, “Vlad isn’t going to be happy to hear this. But maybe we can work something out under the table after I’m elected.”

Current polling shows a narrowing race between Trump and Hillary Clinton, while Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight projection still gives Clinton a decisive edge in the odds to win the General Election.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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