President-Elect Donald Trump Proposes Halal-Friendly Ovens At All Immigration Centers

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In an effort to “extend an olive branch,” as his transition team would later put it, alleged billionaire and President-elect Donald Trump proposed on Thursday a program that he said he would fund himself if elected, and that program he hopes will show that he has warmth and compassion for Muslim immigrants, despite any rhetorical inference otherwise.

Trump made headlines on the campaign trail when he proposed a policy that would serve to block all immigration into the United States by people who are of the Islamic faith. At a press conference, Mr. Trump told reporters this week that he wanted “add on” to that idea and have special, Halal-friendly ovens installed across the country at its various immigration centers. The term “halal,” means “lawful” and it is the classification given to goods deemed acceptable for consumption by Muslims.

Mr. Trump says these new, massive Halal-friendly ovens would be there to “give the Muslims who come to America what they so richly deserve” and that he thinks “everyone in America will thank [him]” for paying to have the ovens installed “once they get to cookin’,” Trump said.

“The ovens will need to be absolutely friggin’ yooge,” Trump said, “you know, in case a lot of them come over.” Mr. Trump said he considers his idea “a monumental step toward a real, final solution” for the problem of Islamic terrorism. “No one will be able to deny these Halal-friendly ovens will provide all parties involved,” Trump said, “with what they’re wanting and needing.”

Trump asked, “What shows people you’re more welcoming than a massive oven that’s been built in a way that honors their religious laws?” He made sure to reiterate that he would be “ponying up” the money needed to build the ovens himself, saying that “it’s the least he could do.” Trump said “all the ovens will bear the Trump name because [he doesn’t] want anyone getting confused as to whose idea this was.”

“These friggin’ ovens are just what the doctor ordered,” Trump said with a grin. “They’ll serve our needs perfectly, of course, and there won’t be any possible way a single Muslim will be able to complain about them. I’m positive.”

One reporter asked Trump what kinds of foods the ovens will be designed to cook. “Any food,” Trump responded, adding, “Anything. Anything. Anyone — er I mean — anything.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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