President-Elect Donald Trump ‘Open To The Idea’ Of U.S./Russia Corporate Merger

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Alleged billionaire and President-Elect Donald Trump told reporters this week that he’d be open to a corporate merger between Russia and the United States.

“I’m a deal maker okay,” Trump asked rhetorically, “so you better believe since the American people made me their CEO, I will consider any and all deals that are good for me — er I mean the country.”

In recent days, the media and politicians in both major parties have raised eyebrows at the seeming connection between Trump and Russia’s president Vladimir Putin. During the Democratic National Convention, Trump made waves when he seemed to call on Russian hackers to break into Hillary Clinton’s emails. Others have theorized that Russia and Wikileaks worked together to release thousands of Democratic National Committee emails during the convention as well.

Then this weekend the CIA released a report in which they stated their belief that the Russian government carried out hacks and other cyber attacks on the election, with the intent of helping to elect Trump.

“This has nothing to do with Vlad and me, or our monthly poker game, or anything like that,” Trump said, “I’m just saying I’m open to deals. The best deals. The most winning deals. Ever heard the story two heads are better than one? Well, how about two super-powers combined is better than one?”

Trump said that any potential merger would have “layoffs from redundancies” and that might mean “reshuffling the country’s org chart.”

“Maybe Putin will be president, I’ll be Vice-President, and we’ll move legislative functions to Moscow,” Trump said, “and maybe we’ll just let Russia handle it all. I’m not sure. What I do know is that no matter what we’ll start paying taxes to Russia. Whether we get representation for that taxation would be up to the arbitrators, and don’t worry, I’d hire attorneys from Matzoh Town, so you know we’d be getting the best negotiators possible.”

For the next twenty minutes of the press conference, Mr. Trump discussed which races made the best and worst attorneys. Then he took a forty minute detour into why people are “so uptight about race shit” these days and mused that “back in [his] day” people could say whatever they want without any repercussions.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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