HILLSIDE, SOUTH CAROLINA — Donald J. Trump told reporters in South Carolina this morning that he’d be willing to “loan Ivanka” — his daughter — to Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) for the purposes of re-shooting a commercial Cruz just pulled because he found out after it started airing that it featured a former soft-core porn actress.
“My heart really goes out to Ted,” Trump told reporters, “not everyone is blessed to have at their disposal a hot piece of ass like my daughter.”
Trump said that had his campaign been making the attack ad on Marco Rubio, entitled “Conservative Anonymous,” that he wouldn’t have had to ask anyone other than Ivanka to be in his commercial. He said that “one of the many, many things” that makes him “yoogely differentiated” from Cruz is that he has “a hot daughter” and that “voters should really, you know, think about whether they want some weird Eddie Munster guy in the White House, or the guy with the fly daughter.”
“I just wish Ted had come to me first, before he made the commercial,” Trump told the media after a rally he was holding in the Palmetto State on Friday, “because I really enjoy farming out my super-hot daughter for things. I figure if someone is staring at her like a piece of meat, it’s a compliment. She got hot partially because of my ball juice. Again, big winner balls under here,” and he pointed behind the podium, “yooge winner balls, I’ve got.”
Mr. Trump said that his testicles produce such “fine looking broads” that he’s considering building a “stable wing” onto the White House if he wins in November.
“Look, I’ll pay for it with my own money,” Trump said, “so don’t worry about that. But why not make a little side-cash for the country by charging people to stud with the yoogest, winner stud the country has to offer, me?”
Representatives from the Cruz campaign told us that they are “beyond flattered” that Trump would offer the services of his daughter to them, but they must “politely decline.” Senator Cruz is said to have decided that he will take a different tack with his campaign ads.
“The senator has decided to fall back on what he does best — self aggrandizement,” one top Cruz aide told us, “so from now on every ad will just be a thirty second long shot of Ted looking straight down the barrel of the camera, a crucifix lit up behind him, and video of a semi-automatic rifle firing over and over again. That imagery seems to resonate best with voters we’re trying to secure support from.”
Trump, upon hearing the news that Cruz politely turned down his offer, gave a small shrug.
“Oh well, I guess I don’t have to share my crazy, yoogely hot daughter with anyone,” he said, before adding, “more hot daughter for me.”
Current polling shows Cruz still trailing Trump both nationally and in South Carolina, where voters will cast primary ballots next week.