Donald Trump Promises To ‘Get Obama Outta’ The White House If Elected

CLEVELAND, OHIO — Republican Presidential Nominee Donald Trump told reporters at a bowling alley Tuesday night that he will “get Obama outta” the White House if he’s elected.

“I promise the American people many things, all of which will come true,” Trump said as he ordered a plate of hot wings and a pitcher of beer from the bowling alley’s snack bar, “but this promise is my most important. If the American people elect me, I promise I will get Obama outta the White House!”

Trump said that he intends to “make it clear to that Kenyan guy that his time is up” should he defeat presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in the fall.

“If the people of this country elect me as their next president,” Trump said in between his turns to bowl, “I will make it clear to that Kenyan guy that his time is up, and he has to stop being president, move out of the White House, and allow me to take over.”

Mr. Trump insisted that he will not “take no for an answer” from Obama. The reality-TV star and alleged billionaire told the media he won’t be a “pushover.” He said that he is the only one in the entire country that could actually get Obama out of the White House.

“Let’s face it,” Trump said, “I am literally the only person who is capable of doing it. There is literally no other way to get that guy out of the White House right now. He knows it too. It’s not like there’s some kind of regularly prescribed process involved here. I am absolutely, positively the only American who can dislodge Obama from his throne.”

Once elected and sworn-in, Trump says, he will demand that Obama vacate the White House, hand him the keys, and teach him what the alarm code is.

“I’m serious too,” Trump said while back at the snack bar, ordering another round of beers but some potato skins this time instead, “I don’t mind him being there right up to the point that I’m sworn in. That’s fine. I’m not a tyrant. But I am going on the record right now as saying he has to get out right after I’m officially president or else.”

A reporter handed Donald Trump a pocket copy of the Constitution, turned to the passage that covers presidential elections. Trump took the booklet with confusion on his face.

“What’s this,” Trump asked, “one of those little Bibles you get in hotel rooms. Neat. Now, back to me telling you all how I’m going to literally kick President Obama out of the White House if I win,” and he heaved the pocket constitution as far as tiny hands would carry it. So, about a foot and a half.

Trump’s final score was 25, which he said was a “Trump 300.”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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