President-Elect Donald Trump Wants Muslim Immigrants ‘Freshly Showered’ Upon Arrival

Alleged billionaire and President-Elect Donald J. Trump made waves today when he suggested that upon arrival in the United States, all self-declared Muslims should be “freshly showered in special facilities” he’d pay for by “asking countries sending us their Muslims to pony up.”

Speaking at Jefferson Davis Memorial High School in Indiana to a packed house that was followed by a boisterous burning of the Quran, Trump told attendees he didn’t “see anything wrong in asking people who will be living here to abide by our standards of American cleanliness.” Trump said that each “specially designed” Muslims-only shower will have “all kinds of yooge bells and whistles” that he wanted to “keep under wraps” until after he was inaugurated “to not spoil the surprise” because “only losers spoil surprises.”

“Look, I have to keep a lot of this secret,” Trump told the rally attendees, “because you know what happens then when the media thinks you might or might not be suggesting ethnic cleansing as domestic immigration policy.” Trump started flailing his arms around, contorting his face and voice and mumbling, to which his throng of supporters heaped nearly unending and deafening laughter and applause. “Yeah, they don’t call ’em libTARDS for nothin’,” Trump said.

Mr. Trump said that had his plan been in effect “back when Obama came over here from Kenya” that “we may never have had to even question his clearly fake birth certificate.” Trump also warned his supporters that “the media and even some of [his] Republican challengers” will try to convince them that he’s suggesting “horrible, awful, yoogely bad things.” However, Mr. Trump dismissed those assertions as “people who don’t understand that most immigrants are rapists, murderers and drug dealers, no matter what country they come from.”

“Winners know one thing, and one thing only,” Trump said, “and that’s treating people like untrustworthy garbage herd people is how America will remain a country of winners, not whiners.” Trump then spent the next four solid minutes having people bring out pictures of prominent Muslim Americans, and he would extend his middle finger to the picture, eliciting even greater roars of support.

“Who’s that,” he said as a picture of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was put in front of him. He extended his arm like a Roman emperor, middle finger extended, but pointing neither up nor down. As the crowd roared, he jiggled and wiggled his hand, feigning a downward turn, which brought boos out of the crowd. Then, he flicked his wrist, and his right hand rotated upward, middle finger fully shown to the picture of Abdul-Jabbar. The crowd roared louder and louder still, until Trump made a dismissive gesture with his hand, and the picture was thrown into a pile of wood that would become the Quran burning pyre moments later.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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