RAPID PLANES, NEW HAMPSHIRE — A local Carly Fiorina 2016 campaign office has confirmed to The Political Garbage Chute that it received a box of feces earlier this week. Marked with an address that was a hotel room in the Trump Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, the package “smelled like racism and stupidity something fierce” according to one Fiorina staffer. Trump confirmed via his Facebook and Twitter pages later in the day that he had “dropped off Rick Santorum in a box” at a Fiorina campaign office and that he “dropped it there to signify how I’m going to dump on every candidate who isn’t worthy, in my opinion, of changing my diapers — NOT THAT I WEAR DIAPERS!”
At a press conference later that day, Jack Susanoff, Assistant Lead Chief Campaign Sub-Manager of Fiorina 2016 said, “We obviously are completely disgusted by this heinous and immature prank, but on the flip side we are also extremely grateful for the modicum of media attention it’ll get Ms. Fiorina.” Susanoff explained that “folks in the media don’t really take the time to interview people who are at the very bottom of a list that’s a mile-long and full of just as many people that frankly have no shot at winning the election either” so it’s “always nice whenever you can get any attention from the press.” Susanoff said because of that, he has to “begrudgingly thank Mr. Trump for his poo gift.”
“I’ll say one other thing,” Trump’s Facebook post also said, “no one is safe from getting a Trump Dump.” The eccentric billionaire candidate for president then rattled off a list of the other Republican candidates that “should expect a very ropey, very weighty, enormous and frankly awe-inspiring gift” in the next few days. “Rick Perry? Trump Dump. Christ Christie? Enormous, ‘uge Trump Dump comin’ his way. Scott Walker? Trumpety-da-Dumpety.”
Reached for comment, a spokesman from the Walker campaign said they “welcome a fresh and spirited debate with Mr. Trump” but that they “hope he’ll reconsider Trump Dumping us.” The Christie campaign released a similar statement, as did Perry’s. None of the campaigns seemed willing to overly criticize Trump as he is currently whipping up quite a frenzy among the Republican base.
One staffer who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity said, “Under normal circumstances we’d be filing charges against Trump for his schoolyard antics. But the truth is that right now we’re all a little too scared to criticism him because of how well the base is responding to him. We’ve considered moving to his right on immigration to try and steal some of his bombast and thunder, but it turns out we’d have to advocate internment camps for immigrants, and so far we haven’t crossed that bridge.”
Rand Paul, speaking on conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ radio show this week said he has another theory as to why Trump is leaving his feces in a box at other campaign offices. “Well, obviously this is a false flag attack perpetrated by Donald on behalf of the Obama administration to cover up Jade Helm’s preparation for moving all Christian Americans into FEMA camps where they’ll be forced into gay marriages, slavery, and liking Nickleback.” Paul said that in his administration “citizens would be issued foil hats that will keep the liberal thought police out of your head.”
While the Republican National Committee hasn’t released a statement either in praise or condemnation of Trump’s behavior, RNC chairman Reince Priebus sent out a tweet from his account that said, “A Trump’s gotta Trump. Hopefully no one’s paying attention to this shit show we’ve got going this time. #FingersCrossed” It’s still unclear at this time with just a couple of weeks before the first debate, if Trump will be invited to participate or if the Republican establishment will be able to keep him away.