Donald Trump Lists ‘Fucking Your Mom’ as Only New Year’s Resolution

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Claiming to be in a “festivial and happy” mood, Donald J. Trump — the billionaire real estate mogul and former reality-TV star who will America’s next president — gave¬†reporters outside the building where he lives in New York City his list of New Year’s Resolutions.

“Like all winners,” Trump said, “I know that keeping things short, sweet, and concise is the only way to win. Also, as a winner, I know that sophomoric insults and using words like ‘schlonged’ in campaign rhetoric is the best way to whip up support and seem very presidentish.” Mr. Trump then took a piece of paper out of his pocket and held it up, pronouncing, “And with that in mind, I have here a very simple list of resolutions for myself in the new year. Very short, this list. So short, even a Republican could memorize it.”

Unfolding the list, Trump turned it around and showed the reporters gathered there that it contained just one resolution. It was written in bright red crayon in very large letters. Trump said that “crayons are for winners because you can use any number of a yooge assortment of colors” and he said “when you’re making resolutions, you gotta make the ones you can accomplish, even if it means you gotta have a less-yooge list of resolutions.”

“Next year, I plan to accomplish one, single goal,” Mr. Trump said with satisfaction in his voice. A reporter asked if Trump’s single resolution was to win the presidential election in November, and shrugged his shoulders. “What? No. My resolution is to fuck your mother. See, look?” He passed the paper around and every reporter could verify that on top of the list, entitled “Donny’s Yoogest Year,” was a big numeral “1” and next to it was written very simply, “Fucking your mom.”




Reporters asked Trump if there was one person’s mom in particular that the resolution applied to, and he laughed. “It applies to every mother in the country,” he said, “because I figured if I’m going to be called a motherfucker by everyone under their breaths, I might as well fuck somebodies’ mothers and earn that title, like a yooge winner.” Trump was asked by a reporter if he felt that this list of resolutions would be so offensive that finally people would stop supporting him, to which he laughed yet again.

“I suggested we keep all Muslims out of the country, and my numbers didn’t go down, they went up,” Trump said, “and when I said that Hillary got schlonged, do you know how many right-wing Hillary haters jumped on my bandwagon? I can do no wrong as far as the base is concerned because a) I’m running against the Democrats and b) they love hearing xenophobic, Islamaphobic, homophobic and misogynistic rhetoric because that’s what they’ve been conditioned by Rush Limbaugh for 25 years to accept as legitimate right-wing ideology. In fact, I bet you my numbers will go up after everyone learns that I want to fuck their mothers next year.”


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