Donald Trump Jr.: ‘I Didn’t Collude With Russians; I TRIED to Collude With Them’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — At a time when it seems like the entire country, if not the world, is talking about the bombshell report in The New York Times that indicates Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian national during last year’s election after he was promised she’d have dirt on Hillary Clinton, the president’s son is attempting to explain his behavior.

“This is so easy to understand, no wonder the LAMESTREAM FAKE NEWS MEDIA can’t get it right,” Trump Jr. told a right-wing radio host with a nationally syndicated radio show this morning, “but they don’t want to listen.”

The Junior Trump has admitted both on Twitter and in the radio interview this morning that he took a meeting with a Russian woman after being promised intel on Clinton. However, he said that fact doesn’t mean he conspired or colluded with Russia. His reasoning, he said, is “easy to follow.”

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“I couldn’t collude with them because they didn’t have anything worth colluding with them about,” Trump insisted, “so people should stop saying I colluded with Russia and be honest about it. The bottom line is that I didn’t collude with Russians; I tried to collude with them.”

Trump Jr. offered an interesting legal defense of his actions as well.

“Do we put people on trial when they TRY to kill people,” Trump asked the radio host incredulously, “because all I did was attempt to collude with Russia. So unless you can show me where we lock people up for attempting to murder someone, you have to call this another fake news hoax.”

During the interview, Trump Jr. seemed to get increasingly agitated by answering questions about the meeting reported by The New York Times.

“Let me just explain it to the libtards in the back slowly, so they’ll get it,” Trump Jr. howled, “I didn’t collude with Russia. I was lied to about information someone had about my dad’s political opponent, that person happened to be Russian, and I just happened to go there looking to get that information from them in exchange for something from me or my dad. Totally different than colluding.”

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It seemed during the interview that perhaps the president’s son isn’t quite aware of what collusion is, however, just as it was ending.

“Isn’t that when you run into someone with a lot of speed?  Look, I didn’t collude with anyone. I’m a really safe driver, okay,” Trump Jr. said, “In the interest of openness and transparency, though, I colluded with another driver once in my early 20’s, and we just had our insurance handle it. So I don’t even know what it’s that big a deal anyway.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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