President Donald Trump has attempted some damage control with America’s Hispanic and Latino voters. The billionaire real estate mogul has made some truly eyebrow raising claims the U.S.-Mexico border and the ratio of criminals to non-criminals that cross there. In the wake of his claims about the people coming into the United States from Mexico, several companies that did business with Trump severed ties.
In response to the growing concern from the Latino and Hispanic community, Mr. Trump has decided to put out a book, “El Presidente Trump’s Guide to Mexican Cuisine,” as a means of outreach and attempt to bridge the divide between the candidate and the group of people he has alienated.
The Political Garbage Chute was provided early transcripts of the book, and we present now a few selected passages.
Donald Trump’s Guide to Mexican Cuisine
by Donald Trump
Carne asada is a favorite of the Mexican people. Translated into English, “carne” means meat, and “asada” means “prepared by rapists for rapists.” Carne asada is traditionally served on a plate with other traditional accouterments. In recent years it’s become a staple in burritos, which are not actually from Mexico, though if I’m elected president I will force the Mexican government to recognize the full legitimacy of the Mission Style burrito, and to formally adopt it as actual Mexican cuisine.
Carnitas is one of my all time favorite dishes. It’s essentially pulled pork. Of course, I happen to think that the best pulled pork is American pulled pork, pulled by American hands working on American pigs. But overall, carnitas is a pretty decent replacement for good old fashioned American barbecue. For you linguists out there, “carnitas” roughly translates to “we’re coming over the border to steal your jobs and rape your women.”
For me, the most quintessential aspect of Mexican food is telling the people who prepare it for you that you appreciate them not robbing you, raping you, and forcing you to carry drugs back over the border. But for what I can only guess is far, far fewer Americans, there is nothing more Mexican about food than a taco. Tacos come in all shapes and sizes, and can have both a soft tortilla (covered later) or a crunchy tortilla shell made of flour or corn. As far as I am aware, tacos were initially invented by the Mexican people to help smuggle their heroin and cocaine into the United States with, but when one of them — the Mexicans I mean — accidentally dropped some carnitas into a taco shell and took a bite, the rest was history.
Most Americans are familiar with the word “tortillas” from the traditional way to say hello in Mexican, “Tortillas Dias,” but did you know that tortillas are also used quite heavily in Mexican food? Well, you do now, so you’re welcome, pal! Let me also lay a little bit more trivia on you. Tortillas were first seen in Mexico when women started wearing them on their clothing with phrases scrawled on them in the Mexican language like, “Please don’t rape me,” or “If you need to rape, please rape an American after you cross the border over to that country” if the tortilla was large enough. All of this is true, or my name isn’t Donaldus Z. Trumponi.
If you’re a fan of chicken and rice, you’ll love arroz con pollo. If you’re curious, “arroz con pollo” translates into “the meal one eats before crossing illegally into the United States hellbent on rape and murder and drug trafficking.” Scholars that I’ve spoken to and put on my payroll confirm that this dish was first invented as a means to fortify the stomachs and bodies of the roving bands of Mexican marauders that the Mexican government started sending over the border into the U.S., giving them the energy they needed to rape, murder and traffic drugs with the best of them. Try this traditional favorite today, with or without pico de gallo, or “raping murderer’s sauce.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.