Area Republican Explains How He Can Hate ‘Welfare Queens and Moochers’ But Vote For Trump

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell believes that “welfare queens and moochers in general” represent the greatest existential threat to the United States.

As a Republican voter, Clem says he’s “cast a lifetime of votes” against presidential candidates who he believes “wanted to give the lazy and incompetent a free pass” to take his hard-earned money. In a recent Facebook post, however, Clem explained how he can feel so strongly about those he feels don’t pay into the system and still vote for Donald Trump, whose recently published tax returns show a high-probability the alleged billionaire hasn’t paid any federal income taxes in perhaps as long as twenty years.

“Well, for starters, just look at Donald,” Clem wrote in the post for his page, Completely And Utterly Biased (But In A Good Way) America, “he just kinda looks different than most of the others doesn’t he? I mean, I don’t want to be un-PC, but you can tell by just looking at, say, his outward appearance, that he’s not a typical moocher or welfare cheat.”

After spending a couple of paragraphs describing just how different Trump looks from the usual portrayals of those who are on welfare, Clem posited that the kind of tax avoidance scheming that Trump apparently perpetrates is “actually what America is about” and that “stiffing your neighbors and forcing them to pick up the tab for your police and fire protection” is just a regular, routine feature of “God’s glorious free market capitalism.”

“Trump’s a job creator,” Clem wrote, “even if ultimately the businesses he starts fail, he files for bankruptcy, and the taxpayers foot the bill on taking care of the people who used to have those jobs until Donald’s business acumen kicked-in and the company failed. Job creators are allowed to play different rules because reasons and libtards and don’t tread on me, you understand, of course.”

Mr. O’Connell says that “everyone has to pitch in, do their part, and take care of their own business,” in America. He insists, however, that sometimes people become so wealthy, it’s actually “better for the economy and makes more sense” for them to not pay taxes, and just let everyone else pick up their portion for them.

“Sure, you could argue that Trump and guys like him are the reason that we’re told we can’t afford vital infrastructure overhauls and more affordable college tuition,” Clem said, “but then again we have to ask ourselves what possible benefit society sees from good roads, stable and renewable energy sources, fire and police protection, and well-educated citizens. I myself think it’s better to have rugged individuals who might be a little dimmer than usual driving on shitty roads not patrolled by cops than to even consider asking the idle rich to pay their fair share.”

Clem admonished the followers of his page to blast his message into their own social media streams. He said that “conservatives have to explain to libtards” that “mooching and freeloading is only bad when you’re urban or whatever” but that it’s “a vital cog in our economic engine when rich people do it.”

“Granted,” Clem wrote at the end of his rant, “if you were to blindfold me and put me in a room with Trump, and he were to tell me about how he hasn’t paid any taxes for decades and he’s totally cool with every other American carrying his weight for him, I’d probably think you were describing a Democrat or someone else I know for a fact is scheming to bring America down from within. But as soon as you factor in the fact that he’s a Republican, rich, and white, you realize he’s a totally different kind of moocher. He’s a mooch-entrepreneur in the grand tradition of so many other rich, white folks who have gamed the system to their obscene advantage.”

“Regular, working class people who take handouts are totally different,” Clem said, “and they don’t deserve anything but a one-way ticket to their boot straps. I’m not about to give someone a break just because they’re trying to feed their kids.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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