NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign thus far has been come to be known for a few things — racially charged rhetoric about immigration, misogynistic antagonizing of Megyn Kelly, and trucker hats. While most observers note that The Donald’s hats are a clear sign that he’s trying to hide his famous “hair” from public scrutiny, it is undeniable that they have become part of the image he and his team are carefully trying to craft. Whether red or white, the baseball, or “trucker” style caps are plain, but with bold lettering across their fronts that say, “Make America Great Again.” Sources close to Trump’s campaign however, have told The Political Garbage Chute that the billionaire mogul has decided that message is a bit too simplistic, and plans to wear a new series of hats that speak much more bluntly about his policy ideas.
“Starting with this week, Mr. Trump will begin rotating hats with various messages,” our Trump source told us, “starting with his new ‘Fuck Mexicans’ hat. That one’s debuting over the coming weekend.” The Trump aide told us that his boss “wants to vacuum up every single anti-immigrant, xenophobic vote he can” and that “he realizes that the more stridently racist you get, the dumber you get, and the less subtlety works on you” so he “wants his hat messaging to be blunter, and more inflammatory.”
According to the Trump staffer, The Donald wants “his hats to match his personality in terms of the level of assholery they display” and that’s why he won’t just focus on immigration with the hats, but hit a wide variety of socially conservative hot buttons. His anti-abortion hat will simply read, “Stop Being Whores.” Another hat, meant to address the wage gap will simply say, “What, are you on your period?” on it.
If voters are wanting to know his foreign policy goals, they’ll want to see when Trump wears his “Diplomacy is for pussies” hate, our source told us. “That one, is really going to play well in the Bible belt, of course,” we were told. One hat, aimed at giving conservatives a taste of his feelings on the social safety net and social welfare programs will simply read, “Poor people are lazy freeloaders.”
“Mr. Trump knows better than anyone that Americans respond to cheap, gimmicky sloganeering more than they do to salient, cogent points about any topic,” the Trump aide told us, adding that “he is a reality TV star, so he is the exact kind of vapid, thoughtless moron that Americans are used to seeing propped up in front of them. If they’ve watched his show, they’re already familiar with what a bombastic, juvenile idiot he is. But these hats let us get a very direct, very simple message out to the right people, if you know what I mean.”