SAN NARANJA ESTUPIDA, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire reality-TV mogul and presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump unveiled a new campaign slogan today which he said is “reflexive of pivoting to the generalization election in November” as well as a signal to conservatives his “foreign policy will be the bestest, yoogest, most spectacular foreign policy ever.”
Starting next week, Trump campaign merchandise will begin bearing a modified version of his “Make America Great Again” slogan, “Make Earth Flat Again.” At a campaign stop in California on Sunday, Trump staffers handed out hundreds of hats, t-shirts, bumper stickers, and pins with the new slogan emblazoned on them.
“What this slogan means,” Trump told those in attendance at the campaign stop, “is pretty much three things. One, that I’m not just thinking about domesticative issues.” Trump said the slogan also means he is “willing to flatten any part of the planet with nuke-you-lar missiles that fronts, steps to us, or otherwise challenges the United States of America and/or calls me a faux-haired, tiny-handed, orange dildo monster.”
Mr. Trump explained that since “a yooge amount” of his supporters “believe the Earth is flat anyway” that he and his staff came up with the slogan first to unify them. Then, they realized, he said, that the slogan could also apply to his foreign policy goals which he said are best summed up as, “Whatever the fuck I feel like when I get my big, fat, presidential head up from the pillow, look out onto the world, and decide who I’m going to fuck with…you know, presidential style.”
“We thought about a lot of campaign slogans,” Trump boasted, “now that there’s no denying I’m gonna be the motherfuckin’ nominee. The best nominee. Maybe the last nominee any party will ever make, because I’m gonna be that fuckin’ good at my job.” Mr. Trump said that slogans like “Vote for Trump or You’re Sued,” “Lick My Big Orange Balls If You Don’t Like Me,” and “Because You Clearly Don’t Give a Fuck” are all scheduled to have their own merchandise runs later in the summer and into the fall.
Reached for comment, Hillary Clinton said she was “appalled and disgusted” by the new slogans though she did ask our reporter several times “what other people are saying about them” before answering. Current national, head-to-head polling shows a virtual dead heat between Clinton and Trump, while some clearly unpopular older guy who keeps setting small donation campaign donation records is still handily beating Trump, but who cares about that?