Scientists Studying If Canada Or Mexico Handle U.S. Refugees From President Trump’s America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s top social scientists are gathering this week to answer a question they say is one of the most important that mankind will face for many years to come.

“Can Canada or Mexico Handle U.S. Refugees Fleeing President Trump’s America?”

At a press conference held earlier this week, Dr. Susan Jacobson of the National Institute of Social and Political Science announced that her group would be focusing on figuring out if Canada, Mexico, or a combination of the two, can handle a large influx of Americans fleeing a United States that boasted Donald J. Trump as its president. Jacobson said NISPS researchers have been gathering demographics data from the last four censuses taken, and have concluded that “Americans are very likely royally hosed” if Trump wins and they don’t want to stay.

“There are over 330 million people in the United States today,” Jacobson said, pointing a big pie chart that showed a breakdown of those estimated 330 million people by potential voting blocks. Dr. Jacobson said that when one controls for the fact that half the country doesn’t vote anyway, you see that there are “roughly 165 million interested Americans” in the election, and with party registration being what it is, about 85 million or more of those people would be Democrats.

“That means,” Jacobson said, “that Canada and Mexico could see an alarming spike in requests for working visas as well as actual attempts to expatriate. We’ve seen some numbers that show anywhere between 10 and 12 million Americans may flee Election Night while watching Trump’s acceptance speech, which we can all presume will have dancing and singing elementary school kids with giant portraits of Trump hung up behind them.”

Dr. Jacobson said that she and her team are looking into exactly which factors would most drive Americans out of the U.S. and into other countries. She said the list is long and varied, but gave a few examples.

“If the research subjects were minorities, immigrants, women, or LGBTQ, they had a 85% chance of saying they’d at least seriously consider seeking refugee status in Canada or Mexico,” Jacobson said. She went on to say that Islamic Americans were even more likely to leave should Trump be elected. “One woman told us,” Jacobson said, “that she literally couldn’t think of a difference between a Trump presidency with the Republicans controlling both houses of Congress and the Supreme Court and the Taliban-controlled Afghanistan she left as a young child 15 years ago.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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