Donald Trump To Ask Sarah Palin To Be His VP For The First Half Of His Term

CLEVELAND, OHIO — Presumptive Republican nominee Donald J. Trump set social media abuzz this week when he announced that he’d be announcing who he was choosing as his running mate on Friday. Speculation has run rampant since then, but now word has leaked that Trump will ask none other than Sarah Palin to be his running mate, but she’ll only be asked to serve half a term.

“We don’t know if she can handle a full term of an elected office,” one Trump aide said, “but we know for a fact she’ll work in half-term increments. So Mr. Trump decided to let her be the VP first, and then he’ll sub someone in; or just fill the vacancy with a bag of diarrhea, which he figures is the emotional and intellectual equivalent of Ms. Palin to begin with.”

Another staffer told reporters that the campaign is hoping the decision to only ask Palin to serve half a term will keep from scaring of some voters who remember 2008’s election. That was the year Palin was thrust onto the national stage when Senator John McCain (R-AZ) tapped her to be his running mate in that year’s presidential election. Palin was gaffe prone and gave a string of embarrassing interviews, and ultimately her placement on the ticket is credited by many as being a driving factor in McCain’s landslide defeat.

“Donald is well aware that just mentioning Ms. Palin in conversation is likely to elicit responses that range from laughter to projectile vomiting,” a Trump aide told Fox News this morning, “and so he’s hoping that by limiting to her just one half of his first term that people will roll the dice on him not having a heart attack or something in the first few weeks.”

Still another staffer said that Americans shouldn’t fret too much about Palin being just one step away from the Oval Office and the nuclear launch codes.

“For starters,” the staffer told us via email, “Sarah can’t remember the combination on her iPhone, and it’s literally ‘1-1-1-1.’ So she’d never be able to do anything with the launch codes anyway. Also, anyone worried about Sarah being my VP for half the first term shouldn’t; you know I’ll do something to get impeached in the first six weeks.”

Reached for comment, Palin told the press she was “super-duper-hardcore-boo-yah excited” to be given a second chance as a vice-presidential candidate. She expressed gratitude to Mr. Trump for consideration, and said she was “really looking forward” to “putting in the same minimal effort” she puts into all her “alleged jobs.”

Current polling shows Hillary Clinton beating Donald Trump nationally, though Trump has made gains in swing states as of late.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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