NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Billionaire reality-TV star and alleged businessman Donald J. Trump has announced his vice-presidential running mate will be himself, Donald J. Trump. Making his announcement in front of Trump Towers, The Donald told reporters that “real winners don’t need backup; they just friggin’ win yooge all by themselves.”
“So I thought to myself,” Trump told the media, “why not cut a little fat out of the executive budget, and absorb the Vice Presidentialcy into the regular presidentialcy and, bing-bang-boom, I’ll be PresidentVicePresident Trump. Make sense? Of course it does, it’s me.”
Mr. Trump sounded confident as ever in his abilities to achieve “truly the best and biggest, most wonderful things” in the newly-minuted position.
“I’ll be the best PresidentVicePresident you’ve ever known,” Trump told reporters, adding, “Winning will become so frequent you’ll almost get friggin’ bored with it, that’s how great it’s going to be when I re-write the Constitution on the fly and name myself my own Vice-President.”
When questioned by several media outlets about the constitutionality of the plan, Trump scoffed at their “lack of vision” and “refusal to understand how powerful [he] will be.”
“When my rabid, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging fans put me in office,” Trump said, “no one’s gonna friggin’ touch me. No one will say shit to me, really, I think. Because they know they’ll get, and excuse the term, a big-fat-friggin punch in the dick, Presidential Trump style.”
Some other reporters asked Trump if he thinks Congress would just allow him to reshape the government without any input from the voters, or congress themselves. Trump let out a laugh that lasted approximately forty-five full seconds, using the standard “Mississippi” rule.
“You think I friggin’ care what those yooge losers let me do,” Trump asked incredulously,”when I’m elected, all bets are off. You know why? Because I’m a goddamnfriggin’ winner, that’s why. And we all know winners make the rules. Just ask the New England Patriots.”
Reached for comment, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told the press he was “sure as heck sure” that what Trump wanted to do was unconstitutional but said that as a Christian Dominionist if Jesus Christ said it was okay, he would make an exception for Trump.
“As an adult human I’m repulsed by everything Donald Trump says,” Cruz told reporters, “but as a cynical politician in the same political party as Donald Trump, I also want to stay in office and will sacrifice any and all of my moral high-ground to suck up to him. Isn’t America great?!”