Trump Supporter Sues Dry Cleaner Who Won’t Release His White Sheets Without a Ticket

BEDFORD, TENNESSEE — Kevin Phillips describes himself as a Trump supporter and a “modern, right-wing libertarian” and that means he says he “doesn’t need any governmental institutions” in his life. However, Phillips recently filed suit against the owner of a dry cleaning establishment in his town when his crisp, white linen sheets were not returned to him.

The owner of Super-DuperFast Dry Cleaning, Susan Richmonds, said her business has always had a policy of not returning any items to any customer unless they have their return tickets.

“I understand Mr. Phillips’ frustration,” Richmonds said, “but what if I had given his white sheets or hood to the wrong customer? Then we’d have track that person down, explain it, get the sheets and hood back, and it all could have been avoided if he’d held onto his ticket.”

Phillips doesn’t see things that way. He says he’s been having his sheets, hoods, and robes all dry cleaned at Super-DuperFast Dry Cleaning for years, but that ever since he started wearing Trump t-shirts under his robes and a Trump hat under his hood, people haven’t been treating him the same.

“I think that woman is a Democrat, liberal, or an establishment Republican who hates Trump and all the winning he’s been doing for us by by having his executive orders stopped in court and his Obamacare replacement bill die on the House floor. Such winning is hard for some to take,” Phillips said, “and she’s deciding not to bend her rule.”

Phillips said it wasn’t his fault he lost his ticket; it fell out of his “dress robes” when he was installing large, flaming T’s in his state to show support for Co-President Trump. Ms. Richmonds though, insists she’s not singling Phillips out.

“I have rednecks coming in here with their Confederate flags all the time, and we dry clean them and send them on their way,” Richmonds said, “provided they keep their ticket. I’m not a racist. I’m not someone who has a need to fly the flag of a rebellion built on the defense of slavery. But I won’t discriminate; I’ll take their cash. Mr. Phillips just doesn’t like our longstanding policy and wants to stamp his feet and get around it.”

Last week, Richmonds says she tried to approach Phillips and settle out of court, saying she’d return the sheets if he could just get his credit card receipt from his bank and show her the transaction. Phillips refused.

“I ain’t gonna do something reasonable,” he shouted, “she’s clearly an Obama lover who doesn’t want me to exercise my freedom of sheet wearing. Well, that’s what the courts are for, lady, is what I say.”

Phillips told us that once he does get his sheets back, he plans to attend a Klan rally next week where it’s rumored that a Donald Trump might make a surprise stop.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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