HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – Recently, Donald J. Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin have been warming up to each other. Trump has been defending Putin against allegations that journalists have been silenced or even killed under the Russian leader’s leadership, and Putin has been praising Trump, which the billionaire 2016 Republican presidential front runner called “a great honor.”
The relationship between Putin and Trump has become so strong that Hollywood producers have already approached both men about starring in a sequel of the classic film “Thelma & Louise,” which originally starred Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis and has become of a feminist anthem of sorts. In a statement to earlier this week, independent studio Visionary Films said they had acquired the rights to the original film’s name, and that Trump and Putin have been collaborating on the script together for the past three weeks.
“They have phobias in common. Vlad’s got the homophobia, Donald’s got the Islamaphobia and a touch of generalized xenophobia to boot,” Visionary CEO Henry Turner said in a press release. Mr. Turner said that while Hollywood itself was still the “bastion of godless liberal amorality that Republicans have played into a cash cow of a culture war,” his biggest political bias isn’t “left or right, but to sweet, sweet money,” and that’s why he wanted this film made.
Hours after Turner made his announcement, a copy of the script was leaked to several entertainment news websites, and what follows is a representative example of the action and dialogue seen throughout the script.
PUTIN: Donald! Great to see you. I’ve been thinking. You and I should go on an adventure together in this classic American muscle car.
Putin shows Trump the car.
TRUMP: Vladimir my friend that sounds like a great idea. We both agree that certain sects of our population should have fewer civil liberties than others, and we’re both winners. But call me Thelma, and I’ll call you Louise so that the title of this movie we’re making right now —
Donald looks right down the barrel of the lens.
TRUMP: (Cont’d) will work.
PUTIN: Sounds good to me. Let me take my shirt off to get more comfortable, I won’t need to put it back on for the whole rest of this movie we are making right now.
Putin and Trump climb into the car. Neither wants the other to drive, so Trump sits on Putin’s lap, and steers while Putin presses the pedals. The car screeches off, drives a block up the road, and jumps over sixteen burning buses that are in the middle of the road and no reason is given as to why they are there. Exposition is for losers. Trump 2016.
Spoiler alert – Trump and Putin have already confirmed that one major story element from the first film has already been changed.
“Obviously if Vlad and I were to be in a car, speeding toward a cliff, and we were to go over that cliff,” Trump told attendees at his Iowa rally, “the laws of physics would literally bow to our power – that’s what winners do – and we’d simply either clear the canyon altogether, or we’d just bounce once we hit the bottom and fly right back up to other side. We’d win. That’s what winners do. They win.”