Donald Trump and Ted Cruz Agree to ‘Just Get a Room’

GREENFIELD, NEW HAMPSHIRE — As New Hampshire primary voters headed to the polls, and citing a desire to “cut the ‘Moonlighting’-style sexual tension,” the presidential campaigns of both Donald J. Trump and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) have agreed the two candidates will “just get a room” and “fuck it out.”

Reportedly, after Trump essentially parroted a female supporter of his in calling Cruz a “pussy,” the Texas Republican called Trump directly on the phone, holding back tears.

“Donald, I know we are running a spirited campaign against each other,” Cruz reportedly told Trump, “but I really thought we had something. I really thought we had a connection. I don’t know, I just felt a spark of kindred connection. Something deeper.”

That’s when Trump’s staff say that the billionaire reality-TV star realized he was probably giving Cruz “such a yooge bag of shit” was that he had a “yooge hard-on” for Cruz but that he “thought the hard-on was more a metaphorization.”

“But you know, Teddy,” Trump reportedly said with warmth in his voice unlike his staff has heard, “you’re a good shit. You think, say and feel the same exact repugnant shit I do about Muslims and Mexicans. We have something, Teddy. You’re right, Teddy. I can’t friggin’ quit you. Let’s just get a room and – ”

“Fuck it out,” Cruz finished Trump’s sentence for him.

“Yes, Teddy, fuck it the fuck out,” Trump said with a knowing grin.

Later in the morning, reporters caught up with Cruz and asked him if the reports were true. Cruz confirmed the rumors. He was then asked how he can participate in homosexuality with Donald Trump when he’s so devoutly evangelical and has worked tireless to keep gay marriage illegal.

“The way I see it,” Cruz said to the press, “Donald Trump and I are nearly the same person. So this is really, will be like me having sex with myself. Now, call me crazy, but I think this stunt might actually get me more voters. After all, do you know how many people have told me to go fuck myself?”

Cruz pulled of an upset in the Iowa caucuses last week, narrowly beating out Trump. However, in the Granite State, Cruz’s numbers have never looked great, and with Marco Rubio’s stunning meltdown in the GOP debate over the weekend, many think this could still be The Donald’s day.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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