Donald Trump Accidentally Finds Obama’s Confiscated Guns Stuffed Into White House Closet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After returning home from his second trip abroad as president, Donald Trump reportedly “got the shock of his life” when he opened a rarely-used White House coat closet and discovered 300 million guns packed into it.

“Steve always told me that Black Guy Before Me was stealing everyone’s guns,” Trump told reporters as he left this morning for tacos, doughnuts, coffee, hot dogs, chicken fried steak, and cheeseburgers, “but even to me that sounded a little out there. But then I opened that closet door and there was such a bigly amount of guns in there, it had to have been Black Guy Before Me’s fault they got there, know what I mean?”

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All of the guns that Trump found were confirmed as having been personally confiscated by President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) in the run-up to Operation: Jade Helm. Most Americans of course remember the Jade Helm operation as the day the brave backyard commando units of Texas repelled an attempt by the Obama administration to invade Texas, a state already in the union. Rumors were that Obama planned to put every Texan who refused a gay marriage into a FEMA camp.

“Everyone of course remembers that Obama was always out to get your guns,” Trump said, “at least that’s what I kept reading in the NRA mailers that my handsome, totally not sociopathic sons kept handing me. And I trust what they give me because they have my names and look so much like me, you see.”

It’s unclear at this time how the Trump administration will handle redistributing the guns, as President Obama made certain to scratch out all the serial numbers on them and simply engrave “GUNS ARE DUMB” in the serial numbers’ places. Trump said that poses a particular challenge, but one he thinks he and his team have already figured out how to get around.

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Representatives for the National Rifle Association have reportedly reached out to the Trump administration.

“What we’d like to see,” NRA “celebrity” spokesperson Dana Loesch told us via Skype, “is for all of the guns Trump found to be given to Americans. But not just any Americans. Conservative, gun toting, ammo hoarding, God fearing patriotic Americans who are willing to get guns to help protecting their guns from other guns they’ve bought to protect their first set of guns. There are lots of guns involved here, okay?”

Barack Hussein Obama could not be reached at his secret Kenyan socialist compound to comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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