NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In a blast of tweets Sunday afternoon, President-Elect Donald Trump raised eyebrows all over the country by seemingly implying that the election he himself won was fraught with voter fraud.
Without citing any evidence for his claim, Trump announced on Twitter that he’d have “won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally.” Several news outlets have confirmed that to date no evidence has been brought forth that could remotely substantiate Mr. Trump’s assertion. Many are confused why Trump would bring the issue up, considering he actually won, and casting doubt on the legitimacy of the election hurts him as well. Still others pointed out that heretofore Trump supporters have been nonchalant about facts, so perhaps it won’t hurt him at all.
In addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 27, 2016
On Monday morning, Trump doubled-down on even expanded his claims of illegal immigrant voting, as well as boasting about curing one of mankind’s most deadly viruses.
“In the coming days, at some point,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower home, “I will provide you evidence that around ten billion — that’s billion with a B people — illegal immigrants voted for Hillary Clinton, and I will also provide you the antidote to AIDS that I just developed all by myself, literally while just making a ham and cheese on rye sandwich in the kitchen. When you’re a winner like me, great things just sort of accidentally happen like shitting your pants. Except you know, instead of feces in your trousers, you have the cure for AIDS. No big whoop.”
After claiming that ten billion “illegal aliens” voted for Ms. Clinton in the election, reporters were eager to ask for proof. They pointed out that there are only currently about seven billion people in total on the planet. They also cited surveys that put the estimated total undocumented population in the U.S. at just about eleven million. Trump’s story seemed to ignore both those facts.
“Facts, you wanna talk about facts in 2016,” Trump laughed out loud, “facts don’t matter anymore. As long as I tell a lie big enough, and keep repeating it over and over again, my voters will believe it. They already somehow believed that three million illegals — who can’t register to vote without state IDs they can’t get without U.S. citizenship — voted in the election, but that lie just wasn’t big enough. So Herr — er I mean MISTER — Bannon told me to make the lie bigger, bolder. So that’s what I did. Bing-bang-boom. Ten billion Mexicans from Mexico voted for Hillary illegally.”
Undaunted, reporters pressed Trump for evidence that there are even ten billion people living on Earth. Trump told them he had the evidence “right here” and he fished into his pocket, quickly removing it and showing them all his single, extended middle right finger. After getting extremely close to Trump to verify it was his finger and not his penis, the press pool took a hint and moved onto his claim about curing AIDS.
“I never said that,” Trump said.
“But, you just said that,” a reporter shot back.
“No, I didn’t. You misheard me. Typical libtarded media member, you only hear what you want to hear,” Trump insisted.
“Seriously, we have it on video, we’ve been recording this whole thing,” another reporter said.
“No, you haven’t,” Trump said emphatically.
“Yes, we have, look, this is you,” a third reporter showed Mr. Trump his iPhone recording of Trump saying he’d cured AIDS literally minutes before.
Trump just shook his head.
“That’s not me,” Trump said.
“Yes it is,” a fourth reporter said.
“Nah, it’s not,” Trump said.
“But, I mean, who else could it be,” yet another reporter asked.
“Shut-The, probably. Yeah, that’s my friend Shut-The,” Trump said.
The reporters were tremendously confounded at this point. Venturing out on a professional limb, one plucky member of the media raised her hand. She asked Trump politely but forcefully who “Shut-The” is.
“Oh, you know, my friend, Shut-The. As in,” Trump said, “Shut The Fuck Up, I’m president now and I have universal supreme power.”
With that, Trump ended the press conference. extending his other middle finger into the air, and backing away slowly until a black, sulfurous cloud enveloped him, leaving a pile of hundred dollar bills in his wake.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.