Donald Insists Trump Oil® Will ‘Cure You So Hard’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Just a matter of hours after a judge unsealed documents in the civil fraud case against him for his “Trump University,” another business venture of Donald J. Trump’s has come under scrutiny, which the presumptive Republican presidential nominee addressed at a press conference outside Trump Towers.

“The bottom line is that my oil, Trump Oil — all rights reserved, patent pending — will cure you so hard,” Trump said, “and only a real bum of a loser-jerk would deny that fact just because we lack clinical trials and peer-reviewed data to back it up…oh and just because a couple people grew extra eyes after taking it.”

Trump Oil is a product that Trump Enterprises, a subsidiary of Trump Solutions — a wholly owned subdivision of Trumpawumpadoompitydee Inc. — put in select markets across the country, and various countries without strict food and drug rules. Mr. Trump said he was “gettin’ really friggin’ fed-the-frig up” with people casting doubt on both his business prowess, and the legitimacy of his brand. Trump said the issue with Trump University was “all just a big misunderstanding.”

“It was a total misunderstanding, Trump U, all just a big misunderstanding,” Trump said, “yeah, we misunderstood what the word ‘university’ meant. Also, we misunderstood the words ‘fraud,’ ‘scam,’ and ‘boondoggle.’ We thought those were all terms you use to describe goods and services with great value. Oops, our bad, everyone. Our friggin’ bad.”

But, Trump says, any issues with Trump University have nothing to do with Trump Oil, which he says is “the finest concoction of scientific science-ations that has ever been scienced into existence.”

“This Trump Oil is so rich, so luxurious,” Trump said, “and you can use it for anything. Really anything. You got diarrhea? Trump Oil. 24-hour AIDS? Trump Oil. A quart low in your 2006 Toyota Camry? Trump Oil. Looking for the Holy Grail with your long lost father who’s actually played by a man less than a decade older than you? Trump oil. Literally anything wrong in your life can, should, and will be cured by Trump Oil.”

When asked about reports in the media recently that Trump Oil has some rather disastrous side effects, Trump was at first apologetic, but then turned the tables on those making claims against the product he called “a miracle-icious product of great proportions.”

“You know what,” Trump said, “yeah, if someone ended up with a third eye because of Trump Oil, I’m very sorry. Yes, verrrrrry sorry indeed that my miracle-icous product of great proportions improved their sight for them. I’m sorry that they’ll now be the envy of all their two-eyed friends. I’m sorry, in fact, that these friggin’ frigs took my amazing Trump Oil and happened to, oh, I don’t know, become a real life X-Man?”

Trump just looked around the room then, his arms up in the air as if to signal he’d won something. For the next five minutes any time a reporter asked a question, Trump simply answered with, “real life X-Man” and farted at whomever asked the question.

Current national, head-to-head polling shows Trump and Hillary Clinton in a very close race, with Bernie Sanders — some guy nobody has heard of or cares about — beating Trump handily still. Trump Oil is available wherever jack lube and beef jerky are sold.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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