Don King, Ben Carson Fight Over Trump’s “White House Negro” Cabinet Position

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Donald Trump announced today that he would be creating a “special, separate but equal” position in his cabinet for a single African-American. He also announced that the two names he’s considering at this point in time are Dr. Ben Carson, his former rival for the Republican presidential nomination, and boxing promoter Don King.

“The White House Negro position will be huge,” Trump said to reporters in front of his Trump Tower home,”and I have two particular fellows in mind for the job. Don King and Ben Carson each would make fine White House negroes, because both men have shown such a willingness to sell out every person of color to advance up the ranks in an organization that at the very least panders to American racism.”

In order to determine who will get the new job should he win, Trump has invited both King and Carson to get into a boxing ring and settle the matter there. Some have already criticized this decision as hearkening back to a time when white slave owners would pit their slaves against each other in physical fights where only one slave was allowed to end up still living afterward. Trump batted away those accusations.

“That’s ridiculous,” Trump said, “because that was then, this is now. Now’s different. I said it, so shall it be.”

Trump told the media his thinking on the matter was “quite simple, as always.”

“I want to know which one of these guys is going to be willing to sell his fellow people of color out more,” Trump said, “and I just want to put them into a ring, and have them duke it out. Clearly the fact that they’re willing to work with a guy whose supporters tweet racist, antisemitic stuff out all the time is evidence of some willingness to sell their people out, but I want to see more commitment.

Reporters asked Trump what it is about King and Carson that put them in the running for the new position.

“Don and Ben are the kinds of blacks we Republicans love,” the alleged billionaire responded, “Docile. Non-confrontational. Not-uppity about being unarmed and shot by the cops.” Trump went on to say that he and his team are looking for “the kinds of blacks who understand cops have no choice” but to “execute people without trials because they’re just more inherently violent than white people.”

Reached for comment, Dr. Ben Carson said he thinks he’s the one “most willing to sell out” for the new position.

“I’m willing to never even say the words ‘brutality’ or ‘disproportionate’ again,” Carson said, “and I’m even willing to punch the next black guy who’s killed by cops while allegedly committing a crime that wouldn’t carry the death sentence upon conviction right in the mouth, just to prove how little I genuinely care about due process, for anyone of any color!”

Mr. King was far more blunt and succinct as to what he feels best qualifies him for the new new job.

“I’m willing to say the word nigger,” King said, “as many times as Trump voters need to hear it in order to feel safe and secure.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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